Baby Love

Just can't get these words out of my head today. My heart is gushing with so much love for my dear little baby today that I don't have the words to describe it. These are the only words that come close. So here's to my baby...the one who came in my life and filled me with this ocean of love and taught me sooooo much more than I ever knew in the past 30 years of living it myself...

You fill up my senses...

Like a night in a forest,

Like the mountains in springtime,

Like a walk in the rain....

Like a storm in the desert,

Like a sleepy blue ocean.

You fill up my senses...

Come fill me again!

'Twas a huge milestone for my little one yesterday - she went to a daycare for the first time yesterday (Feb 16, 2010). And after all the knowledge of how it is so good for them and stuff, how it will teach them to be independent, eat by themselves, etc. - the day you actually leave your child in the daycare for the first time and walk away, I tell you...it hurts like never before...almost like you left your soul behind. I could not stop crying for the entire 1.5 hours that she was there and just kept visualizing her cry for mommy when I was stepping out. She was sitting in a ball pit quietly playing with a child when I went to pick her up but I was the one who had it worse...the one who could just not forgive herself for putting her child through this. God!!! Why does baby love have to be sooooooo strong! Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it feel like a part of my heart is torn away each time I see a tear shed by her?

Sigh...I know it gets easier. Today already was. She wanted to be fed lunch by me (like yesterday) and then an hour later, let me go without a tear. And when I came back to pick her up, saw her eating her raisins from her snack box in the room with everyone else. Will never forget how she ran to me saying "I ate chhota kishmish and biiiiiiiiig kishmish". God bless her and let me NOT jinx myself or her by writing about it. Touchwood. Kalatikka. So I was saying I know it gets easier, but after being the only constant rock in her life for the past 2.5 years, after being with her day in and day out for the past 1.5 years, after her trusting me more than anyone else who loves her (including her papa), separation does get harder than ever. It probably would have not been this hard if I had not given up the job and stayed at home. The separation for the job hours would have continued matter-of-factly instead of this huge deal that it now seems. The mommy-baby love is stronger than most forms of love is what I am beginning to learn...and to let the baby think even for a moment that this person whom I trust blindly, is leaving me all alone to fend for myself in this big bag world - is NOT a good feeling to deal with. Yesterday I cried thinking that the little one will never trust me again when I told her that I'm coming in 5 minutes and then disappeared for an hour. (But then today I did not lie anymore...told her I am going to office and will come back and get her. She said ok and was happy to say goodbye as long as the teacher gave her a chocolate :-)). Also then some of my friends put some sense in my baby-love struck brain that this is what we do for getting them used to school as well right? Then this is no different - it will be good for them in the long run. So don't kill yourselves over it. Sigh - so much easier said than done :(

Girls will be girls!

My little baby girl is not even 2.5 years old and she has already started demonstrating such girliness that I just had to write about it. Adorable girly stuff she has started doing lately:

• Picking her own clothes from her cupboard. She insists we carry her to raise her up to the top shelf in her cupboard so that she can look at all her clothes and decide what she wants to wear today! Gosh - she even knows the difference between her 'ghar ka shirt' and 'bahar ka shirt', 'ghar ka pant' and 'bahar ka pant' (clothes to be worn at home v/s clothes to be worn when you go out). I was shocked the first time she started doing this but now she does it consistently - does not wear anything unless she has picked it out herself. Sometimes goes through 2 or 3 changes until she is satisfied with what she has worn :-)))

• She has always loved dancing when there is music but these days observes every song on TV while she is busy moving to the music AND IMITATES each step she sees in the song!!! I am sure she has taken after me here...I used to dance to my heart's content in front of the radio when I was around 2 holding my frock or a particular red color maxi I remember I had. So her dancing is not something I'm surprised with...it is her imitating the steps that amazes me. I have seen 7 or 8 year old girls do it but one who is barely 2.5? BTW you do know what this means right...that we struggle to find the remote to change channels every time there is an item number going on!!! And sure enough she hates it if you change the song she was so busy dancing on :-)

• She is so much into shoes and more than shoes, chappals that it is amazing. We bought her first pair of blue flip-flops in Dec. when she was 2 yrs and 4 months and she did not want to take them off 24/7. Since then we have opened another pretty pair of pink flip flops that my friend G had sent from the US and oh how she adores them. She refuses to step out of her bed without them...refuses to keep them back in the shoe rack...wakes up and the first thing she asks us is "where is my pink color chappal with pretty pretty stone?" And due to this, she has now learnt the difference between shoes, sandals and chappals. And also has her own 'ghar ka chappal' and 'bahar ka sandal'. She even notices what every other child her age wears and if she likes their flip-flops - she insists she wants them NOW! Even in winter, she refuses to wear socks anymore so that she can walk around in her pretty pretty pink color chappal ! Thanks G :-) if you are reading this! (Am posting a pic of hers posing in the pink chappal she loves)

• She compliments us on what we wear and even picks out our clothes and shoes sometimes. I have noticed sometimes when I change clothes, she goes "wow mama you wore a pink color dress. You are looking so nice in the new new pink color dress!" Or when we are going out she will bring my shoes and say "mama wear your bahar ka shoes like me". And god only save me if I decide to wear a chappal while she is wearing shoes! Or if I decide to wear shoes if she is wearing chappal! Same goes for Papa too! When papa is done with his morning shower, sometimes she stands in front of his cupboard and tells him what color shirt he should wear. If he wears something she picks, she compliments him with a "Nice". Oh and when I change out of my night clothes to drop her to school, she insists she wants to wear the exact same color dress as mama! Oh god - dressing her up is a huge project these days - and she is not even into jewelery or makeup yet. I have not even pierced the little child's ears yet...don't even want to think what will happen then :-)

Whatever it is...I find all of this sooooo cute and endearing. It is amazing to see how much they observe and absorb at such a young age. I can tell her stories about how her friends tie a rubber band and convince her to tie her hair at times too. That is also how she started wearing the only piece of ornament she wears - her two silver bangles. Only coz a few of her friends and a cousin wears them :-)

Kids can be soooo understanding

Ever since I posted my last entry on this blog ranting about how difficult it was to get N settled with her new nanny, things have actually taken a turn to be much much better. Touchwood! Touchwood! Touchwood (please do not jinx me or N on this ever!). I have realized that once again my child has taught me to be patient and not expect miracles in a day. Yet at the same time, she has made me realize that they can be very mature, understanding and responsible if that is what life demands out of them. I needed her to co-operate, to stop making mommy feel so bad accepting a full time job (even though it is for mommy's sake right now) and to please let someone else take mommy's place for a few hours every day while I go out and satisfy the other side of me as a person - the side other than loving being a mom...the side that wants to satisfy the itch of having a great career knowing that staying at home and spending great quality time with my little one, although has been a lot of fun, I will never be able to forgive myself if I do not atleast try doing other things I want to do in life as well. So after I realized that maybe N was missing having mommy all to herself and was a little angry at pushing her towards the nanny a little bit now and then, I backed off and gave her all the love and mommy time she wanted for a week. Plus she had her aabu (grandpa) visiting that week too so she loved all the time and attention from him as well. She happily trotted to school every morning with him and even came back home with him. While all these months she has never gone to school with anyone else but mommy. So after the one week of a reset and providing her all the mommy time she needs and having the nanny around at home as well, she probably felt secure enough to venture towards her and start playing happily with her. I could hear squeals of delight when the nanny entertained her in her silly games and used to thank god for those moments of happiness seeing them bonding together.

Then one night a few days before N's grandpa was leaving, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with her. BTW nights are the best times to have a good talk to her...she is actually listening and most times she also tells me a lot about her day at school and other things at night when I am putting her to sleep. So here's bits and pieces of how our conversation went that night:

Me: N, when papa goes to office, do you cry?

N: No.

Me: So when mommy goes to office, will you cry?

N: No. I will not cry when mommy goes to office.

N: And I will not cry when aabu goes to Bombay. (this part surprised me and my hubby as we never expected her to even realize that her grandpa is not here for good and that he is only visiting. This sentence came totallly unprompted as we had not even planned his return travel yet...but she just knew he'd leave some day to go back to his home in Bombay!)

Me: (Hugging and kissing her tightly) Good girl N. I will come back from office and play with you. Will you please come home from school with D auntie (her nanny) and eat mum mum (lunch) with her?

N: Yes.

And volla! Since then, she has actually done as she promised. The day after her grandpa left, I walked her to school and while saying goodbye, told her that mommy will go to office and would she not cry and go home with D auntie and eat mum mum (lunch) and do ta ta (sleep)? She nodded her yes. And with a heavy heart I left home around the time she was supposed to come home and stayed outdoors for 3 hours. When I got back I found her playing with the nanny. She saw me enter, squealed with delight, jumped on me and made me fall, hugged me so tight and said "Mommy you came back from office? I did not cry"!!! Now how can this not make me melt down to the floor!!!??? So I spent the rest of my day all in love with the wonderfully co-operative child. And followed the same 'going to office' routine the rest of the week. The second day I found her sleeping when I got home. The third day I found her actually done with the nap and actually starting to drink her evening milk with the nanny. And each time she greeted me with such joy that it just made my heart melt even more. But I secretly thanked god for one good step ahead each day and realized that my child just needed reassurance that mommy wasn't going away leaving her with the nanny. Thank god for miracles like these. It is just the moments when she hugs me tight and says things like "Thank you for coming back from office" that make me re-think if I am really doing the right thing...

Oh well...I guess I wouldn't know until I actually try it out once. I will give it my best shot and then decide if this really is for me anymore or are my days of having an actual career (not just a job) are over for a long long while now.