Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Baby Love

Just can't get these words out of my head today. My heart is gushing with so much love for my dear little baby today that I don't have the words to describe it. These are the only words that come close. So here's to my baby...the one who came in my life and filled me with this ocean of love and taught me sooooo much more than I ever knew in the past 30 years of living it myself...

You fill up my senses...
Like a night in a forest,
Like the mountains in springtime,
Like a walk in the rain....
Like a storm in the desert,
Like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses...
Come fill me again!

'Twas a huge milestone for my little one yesterday - she went to a daycare for the first time yesterday (Feb 16, 2010). And after all the knowledge of how it is so good for them and stuff, how it will teach them to be independent, eat by themselves, etc. - the day you actually leave your child in the daycare for the first time and walk away, I tell you...it hurts like never before...almost like you left your soul behind. I could not stop crying for the entire 1.5 hours that she was there and just kept visualizing her cry for mommy when I was stepping out. She was sitting in a ball pit quietly playing with a child when I went to pick her up but I was the one who had it worse...the one who could just not forgive herself for putting her child through this. God!!! Why does baby love have to be sooooooo strong! Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it feel like a part of my heart is torn away each time I see a tear shed by her?

Sigh...I know it gets easier. Today already was. She wanted to be fed lunch by me (like yesterday) and then an hour later, let me go without a tear. And when I came back to pick her up, saw her eating her raisins from her snack box in the room with everyone else. Will never forget how she ran to me saying "I ate chhota kishmish and biiiiiiiiig kishmish". God bless her and let me NOT jinx myself or her by writing about it. Touchwood. Kalatikka. So I was saying I know it gets easier, but after being the only constant rock in her life for the past 2.5 years, after being with her day in and day out for the past 1.5 years, after her trusting me more than anyone else who loves her (including her papa), separation does get harder than ever. It probably would have not been this hard if I had not given up the job and stayed at home. The separation for the job hours would have continued matter-of-factly instead of this huge deal that it now seems. The mommy-baby love is stronger than most forms of love is what I am beginning to learn...and to let the baby think even for a moment that this person whom I trust blindly, is leaving me all alone to fend for myself in this big bag world - is NOT a good feeling to deal with. Yesterday I cried thinking that the little one will never trust me again when I told her that I'm coming in 5 minutes and then disappeared for an hour. (But then today I did not lie anymore...told her I am going to office and will come back and get her. She said ok and was happy to say goodbye as long as the teacher gave her a chocolate :-)). Also then some of my friends put some sense in my baby-love struck brain that this is what we do for getting them used to school as well right? Then this is no different - it will be good for them in the long run. So don't kill yourselves over it. Sigh - so much easier said than done :(

7 comments:

Jyoti said...

Div... it will get better soon. But a mother's heart is a mother's heart... it does melt whenever you see your baby cry... you keep wondering if your baby is doing OK or not... and most times they are doing OK. I know, it feels like you are doing a terrible thing to leave them there, but I think its a good change for them. Kabir enjoys his time playing with toys, doing activities etc. Everything will fall in to place soon.

Anonymous said...

So sweet, I love this song... Divs yaar, Yash will start day care next month and though I am looking forward to it, I am so dreading it too. They say children pick up virus and stuff, and the thought of not knowing what he is doing and him not knowing the staff... everything is just a bit... I dont know how I will manage myself. He is too little and innocent for defending himself.
I dont know... I dont know - things are all over the place.
Nikku - I love you, you and your mum are brave
SBJ

MindfulMeanderer said...

Hugsssssssss.. I can feel ur pain. Just hang in there. Its a paradox of sorts.. u want them to be independent yet u feel like just wrapping them in ur arms and shielding them for from everything. What happened to the nanny??
Its very important that u keep talking to her abt it.. like u need to go to office .. i will come back n pick u up. just keep building their confidence. keep at it like clockwork. They have a very good sense of time n will get upset if u r late.. so try to avoid that as much as u can. it gets better as they age slightly. best of luck.

memyhubbynbaby said...

I love that song, its beautiful that you said it for your lil one.

Ash will be starting preschool in another 2 months, and SHE is looking forward to it. She tells me almost everyday "Me go to school" as she sees her other friends leaving for school in the mornings. The only thing I'm praying for is that she likes her school and that they give her good arts and crafts activities and keep her engaged. Its going to be hard for me, it always is for the Moms I guess.

Divs said...

Jyoti - yeah...I am sure it will get better but who will wash away the guilt in a mom's heart thinking I am forcing her to be out of the house all day every day just so I can work :(

Smiti - don't underestimate your lil one yaar. Kids adapt very quickly (thankgod). But it is harder on us moms coz we are always feeling guilty :( He will grow out to be more confident - trust me. I am not brave dear...I am a chicken in these things myself...but it is easier to give advise na :-)

Divs said...

Shruti - thanks for the boost! I constantly try to keep building up her confidence and touchwood she is not upset abt the daycare thing so far. But just the fact that she is not in her own comfy envt. in mommy's arms upsets me. U're so right...we want them to be independent yet wanna bundle them up so close. The nanny is still there but couldn't come to work for a week as her daughter had a baby. So I was forced into this in some ways.

Priyanka - I'm sure she'll love preschool. The initial separation anxiety from mommy will be there but keep at it and don't give in. Gradually let her go there for longer stretches of time and you'll see marvelous changes in her. I loooove N's preschool...best 3 hours of her day. It is the rest of the day I am concerned abt these days. Nyways - good luck to you and Ash!

MindfulMeanderer said...

Award for u http://mindfull-meanderings.blogspot.com/2010/03/some-awards-for-me-and-you.html