Happy International Women's Day!

I had the privilege of organizing the Women's Day celebrations at my company this year and as part of the various sessions I helped facilitate during this event today, I wanted to share one that I really really liked. It is a talk held by Sheryl Sandberg who is the COO of Facebook. She talks about why there are very few women leaders in the world today and delivers 3 key messages that I am sure most of us women who are or have been in the corporate world can relate to. You can see her talk here. If clicking on my link does not work, you can point your browser to go to http://www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders.html

By the way when I was approached to lead the Women's Day event at work this year, I wasn't sure I believed in the cause or the day in itself. Coz the fact that we have a special day for women itself highlights the fact that we consider ourselves second citizens in need for special attention. But then a colleague shared his perspective which started to make sense in my mind. He said that when we work with a team of mixed genders, we do not necessarily think differently when talking to a woman or a man. Neither do women in today's corporate world think I am a woman so this is how I work and this is how it is different from a man's way of working. Nope. The only reason we may encourage forming a diversity group for women is because women in general have a unique set of challenges (that may be due to several reasons or factors such as society, upbringing, family, etc.) which they need to overcome if they want to stay ahead in the corporate world. That is why such diversity groups or earmarked days are beneficial so that they can relate to each other and use it like a support group to help each other overcome these challenges.

Do check out Sheryl's video and let me know what you think!

One Year

Today marks the completion of one year of service with my current employer here in India. Today, incidentally, is also my parent's 35th wedding anniversary.

One year....seems to be such a looooong time and yet sometimes feels like it flew by. And although working in the corporate world is not new to me since that is all I have been doing the past 12+ years (ever since I graduated), this one year is much more different and unique in my mind. Coz this is the year I worked with a new personal title "working mom". And that too not in a country such as the US where most moms end up going back to work any way because they have excellent day care facilities and better work-life balance in general. But in a country like India where going back to work is much more difficult (in my mind) if you are like me who does not have a support system like parents or in-laws or an army of maids around you. Ofcourse I went back to work 3 months after my baby was born but I was in the US then and that's what everyone did. Most new moms there either found a daycare or a good nanny and didn't even consider staying at home as a viable option. Atleast not amongst the people I knew. And atleast not in the mindset I was in where career and ambition was foremost in our minds.

But things changed when we R2Ied. This was when my daughter turned exactly a year old (notice how we've been taking significant steps every one year or so?). Our move back to India kind of forced me to step back and really think....take some time out to get adjusted...help get settled...spend time with my little one and evaluate my priorities overall. And I did take almost a year to make the decision to go back to work. I remember how I was still struggling with the prospect of leaving my daughter in the hands of a maid around this time last year when this job came my way. I was not even actively looking but this very professional staffing manager was pursuing me for the current job. I remember not even entertaining his calls the first few times but finding how persistent he was piqued my interest. And I thought why not give it a shot...for this role was something close to my heart anyway. And it sounded exiting since it meant starting a whole new function in India from scratch. I was very sure I could excel in this role but equally unsure about how I would manage the child-care front here in this new city without any reliable maids as of yet or any good daycare option too. So that's how I started last year...very unsure of every step I took...constantly double guessing my decision...going on mommy guilt trips every single day for the first 5-6 months of working...hating the unreliability of maids in India or the availability of good day care centers nearby...in general really struggling to find a balance between home and work.

Until today where I can step back and marvel at how we made it through. A huuuuuuuge chunk of credit goes to my really supportive hubby who kept me going every time I faltered due to mommy guilt. And of-course also to my very very endearing, accommodating and loving little daughter who finally did understand that mommy has to go to work for her sanity and for her to be a happier person in life which in turn will help keep everyone at home happy as well :-) And I think a huge amount of credit also goes to the company I work for which is very different from many other companies in India that I have seen in terms of understanding the value of providing flexibility and good work-life-balance opportunities. I totally admire the culture they have fostered and would absolutely recommend such employers for all working moms out there.

Poll Time

Ok people - please provide me your honest opinions on this childcare issue that has been a lot on my mind lately. For a 2 yr 9 month old toddler who is not too fond of leaving mommy all day long and is generally a shy personality in public (a naughty brat at home or amongst close friends though), what would you personally prefer as a childcare arrangement while mommy is away at work:

• Daycare?
• Maid at Home?
• Combination of Both?
• Not Sure

Please use the poll I have created on the right navigation bar here and send me your detailed thought process behind your vote in the comments section if possible. I have had lot of issues finding the right maid for my little girl and have gone through atleast 6 of them in the last 6 months. Each had their pros and cons and I have even tried daycare which has its pros and cons too. But am unable to make up my mind on what I prefer more - her comfort of being in her own home with a maid I may or may not trust or her discomfort of being outside of her familiar surroundings at a day care but with caregivers I may grow to trust. Get the picture? I think most of you working moms go through this and figure out what works for your family the best. I am trying to work it out at present with a lot of different options that I have either tried already or want to try without upsetting her too much. Sigh...the dilemma!

Baby Love

Just can't get these words out of my head today. My heart is gushing with so much love for my dear little baby today that I don't have the words to describe it. These are the only words that come close. So here's to my baby...the one who came in my life and filled me with this ocean of love and taught me sooooo much more than I ever knew in the past 30 years of living it myself...

You fill up my senses...

Like a night in a forest,

Like the mountains in springtime,

Like a walk in the rain....

Like a storm in the desert,

Like a sleepy blue ocean.

You fill up my senses...

Come fill me again!

'Twas a huge milestone for my little one yesterday - she went to a daycare for the first time yesterday (Feb 16, 2010). And after all the knowledge of how it is so good for them and stuff, how it will teach them to be independent, eat by themselves, etc. - the day you actually leave your child in the daycare for the first time and walk away, I tell you...it hurts like never before...almost like you left your soul behind. I could not stop crying for the entire 1.5 hours that she was there and just kept visualizing her cry for mommy when I was stepping out. She was sitting in a ball pit quietly playing with a child when I went to pick her up but I was the one who had it worse...the one who could just not forgive herself for putting her child through this. God!!! Why does baby love have to be sooooooo strong! Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it feel like a part of my heart is torn away each time I see a tear shed by her?

Sigh...I know it gets easier. Today already was. She wanted to be fed lunch by me (like yesterday) and then an hour later, let me go without a tear. And when I came back to pick her up, saw her eating her raisins from her snack box in the room with everyone else. Will never forget how she ran to me saying "I ate chhota kishmish and biiiiiiiiig kishmish". God bless her and let me NOT jinx myself or her by writing about it. Touchwood. Kalatikka. So I was saying I know it gets easier, but after being the only constant rock in her life for the past 2.5 years, after being with her day in and day out for the past 1.5 years, after her trusting me more than anyone else who loves her (including her papa), separation does get harder than ever. It probably would have not been this hard if I had not given up the job and stayed at home. The separation for the job hours would have continued matter-of-factly instead of this huge deal that it now seems. The mommy-baby love is stronger than most forms of love is what I am beginning to learn...and to let the baby think even for a moment that this person whom I trust blindly, is leaving me all alone to fend for myself in this big bag world - is NOT a good feeling to deal with. Yesterday I cried thinking that the little one will never trust me again when I told her that I'm coming in 5 minutes and then disappeared for an hour. (But then today I did not lie anymore...told her I am going to office and will come back and get her. She said ok and was happy to say goodbye as long as the teacher gave her a chocolate :-)). Also then some of my friends put some sense in my baby-love struck brain that this is what we do for getting them used to school as well right? Then this is no different - it will be good for them in the long run. So don't kill yourselves over it. Sigh - so much easier said than done :(

Kids can be soooo understanding

Ever since I posted my last entry on this blog ranting about how difficult it was to get N settled with her new nanny, things have actually taken a turn to be much much better. Touchwood! Touchwood! Touchwood (please do not jinx me or N on this ever!). I have realized that once again my child has taught me to be patient and not expect miracles in a day. Yet at the same time, she has made me realize that they can be very mature, understanding and responsible if that is what life demands out of them. I needed her to co-operate, to stop making mommy feel so bad accepting a full time job (even though it is for mommy's sake right now) and to please let someone else take mommy's place for a few hours every day while I go out and satisfy the other side of me as a person - the side other than loving being a mom...the side that wants to satisfy the itch of having a great career knowing that staying at home and spending great quality time with my little one, although has been a lot of fun, I will never be able to forgive myself if I do not atleast try doing other things I want to do in life as well. So after I realized that maybe N was missing having mommy all to herself and was a little angry at pushing her towards the nanny a little bit now and then, I backed off and gave her all the love and mommy time she wanted for a week. Plus she had her aabu (grandpa) visiting that week too so she loved all the time and attention from him as well. She happily trotted to school every morning with him and even came back home with him. While all these months she has never gone to school with anyone else but mommy. So after the one week of a reset and providing her all the mommy time she needs and having the nanny around at home as well, she probably felt secure enough to venture towards her and start playing happily with her. I could hear squeals of delight when the nanny entertained her in her silly games and used to thank god for those moments of happiness seeing them bonding together.

Then one night a few days before N's grandpa was leaving, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with her. BTW nights are the best times to have a good talk to her...she is actually listening and most times she also tells me a lot about her day at school and other things at night when I am putting her to sleep. So here's bits and pieces of how our conversation went that night:

Me: N, when papa goes to office, do you cry?

N: No.

Me: So when mommy goes to office, will you cry?

N: No. I will not cry when mommy goes to office.

N: And I will not cry when aabu goes to Bombay. (this part surprised me and my hubby as we never expected her to even realize that her grandpa is not here for good and that he is only visiting. This sentence came totallly unprompted as we had not even planned his return travel yet...but she just knew he'd leave some day to go back to his home in Bombay!)

Me: (Hugging and kissing her tightly) Good girl N. I will come back from office and play with you. Will you please come home from school with D auntie (her nanny) and eat mum mum (lunch) with her?

N: Yes.

And volla! Since then, she has actually done as she promised. The day after her grandpa left, I walked her to school and while saying goodbye, told her that mommy will go to office and would she not cry and go home with D auntie and eat mum mum (lunch) and do ta ta (sleep)? She nodded her yes. And with a heavy heart I left home around the time she was supposed to come home and stayed outdoors for 3 hours. When I got back I found her playing with the nanny. She saw me enter, squealed with delight, jumped on me and made me fall, hugged me so tight and said "Mommy you came back from office? I did not cry"!!! Now how can this not make me melt down to the floor!!!??? So I spent the rest of my day all in love with the wonderfully co-operative child. And followed the same 'going to office' routine the rest of the week. The second day I found her sleeping when I got home. The third day I found her actually done with the nap and actually starting to drink her evening milk with the nanny. And each time she greeted me with such joy that it just made my heart melt even more. But I secretly thanked god for one good step ahead each day and realized that my child just needed reassurance that mommy wasn't going away leaving her with the nanny. Thank god for miracles like these. It is just the moments when she hugs me tight and says things like "Thank you for coming back from office" that make me re-think if I am really doing the right thing...

Oh well...I guess I wouldn't know until I actually try it out once. I will give it my best shot and then decide if this really is for me anymore or are my days of having an actual career (not just a job) are over for a long long while now.