Lessons from Mommyhood

It took me forever to pen these thoughts down but believe me, once you are a mommy, you never stop marveling at how much you've changed since you've had a baby. Life teaches you something new almost every day and sometimes it is so overwhelming that you almost forget what you were before this tiny creature entered your lives and changed it completely (for the better I'd say). So taking up this tag was not easy since it made me think and write and actually limit the lessons down to a few key bullet points amongst the innumerable ones motherhood teaches you in its journey. But thanks to Manasi who tagged me on this, I'll still make an attempt:

One thing that has stuck with me over the years is something a co-worker told me when I was in my last trimester. I just met him near the elevators (infact I still remember very clearly which part of the building and the exact spot where I was while these words were being shared with me) and he saw how I am almost there and congratulated me once more for expecting. And he said "This is such a life changing event. Infact let me tell you that after the baby you will not even remember how your life was before you had her. " Such simple yet true to the core words! I still think of him when I reflect on our lives at times or see a new mommy-to-be.

Another lesson I have learnt and never forget to impart to mommies-to-be is this. Please enjoy all your sleep before you have a baby. More importantly, enjoy the lifestyle which lets you sleep in to late hours during the mornings. Coz once you become a mommy, you will not have that luxury anymore. I know they say sleep is precious but for me, it is the early morning sleep that is the most precious. Coz I am just NOT a morning person. But once you are a mommy, you have no choice but to be one or atleast force yourself to not just get up early but even function like a clock early in the morning. I mean even weekends, when you think there is no rush in life, the baby decides to be wide awake, chirpy and playful early in the mornings!!! Whew! I get tired just thinking about mornings :-) But its not all bad you see. Mommyhood wants you to be up that early so that you can enjoy the baby a little more before the mad rush of routine starts. Or so that you can enjoy a few minutes by yourself before motherhood calls.

Patience is my new virtue. People who know me since my childhood marvel at the amount of patience I have grown since having lil N. Including my own brother! Especially at the age when your babies turn into toddlers and are discovering life on their own and have millions of questions every single minute. It is sometimes hard not to lose patience and to tell them to go do their own thing. Believe me, most times I make an effort to answer her questions to the best of my ability and in a language she can understand. Coz I strongly believe, if we curb this curiosity, the kids will either lose all interest in discovering and questioning ways of this life or worse still, will go find ways to get their answers from sources we may not like.

I always knew that I worked very well under pressure and that I can be a superwoman, multitasker queen when I need to. So I will not elaborate on that here and infact will just say that mommyhood has honed that skill of mine to perfection. I am sure this applies to most mommies in life :-) What I did learn is that now, as a mommy, I will keep worrying about almost everything. Infact I remember when I was talking about something I was worried about regarding my pregnancy to my boss at the time, she had said "Welcome to motherhood dear - you'll always worry about something or the other for the next 18 years until your child leaves your home...or even after that". Now I know what my mom must have gone through every time I wanted to do something reckless or even as simple as go on a school trip out of town. I used to tease her then but now I can sooooo relate to every emotion that must've gone through her heart.

Another lesson I learnt - that my husband is truly my rock in life. And that with him, I can face every challenge thrown my way. I am so glad that after all the childhood and teenage crushes, I finally found, loved and married a man who is just perfect for me. He and this event called motherhood taught me that come what may, if life throws a challenge at you, it also gives you the strength to endure and come out of it with flying colors. Or in other words, if God brought you to it, he will take you through it. You know how I know this? When lil N was born, we used to live in the US. And due to many reasons best left aside in this post, both our sets of parents could not come be with us when our baby was born. So we had to figure out how to raise this little bundle of joy all on our own. Not one single extra hand to help. Not even a maid. (We had hired a nanny once I was back home from the hospital but she turned out so devastating that we had to fire her within a week or so). That was the time my hubby and I bathed, fed, changed, rocked the newborn to sleep, took shifts at night all on our own 24 hours a day with no prior experience or help. Our love grew stronger than ever during that time and still makes me believe that come what may in life, if I have my husband by my side, I will be just fine.

During that same time, I also learned that when you are far away from home and your own families, your close friends become your extended family. So while we were learning how to be a mother and father to our little one when she arrived, our friends did the most amazing thing. They all got together (virtually over email) and created an Excel spreadsheet listing out who will take turns to deliver food (lunch and dinner) to our place every single day until we find a new nanny. And these were people who had kids and full time jobs of their own to worry about. I will never forget how our doorbell rang every morning with one of our friends coming by to check in on us and drop our lunch on their way to work. Some of them even had their mothers visiting them in the US and sent nutritious laddus, drinks, etc. that are given to new mothers in their own families. God bless them all.

There is soooo much more and like I said, each day teaches you something in this new life as a mommy. But it is not easy to write it all down. I can keep going and going but I think I'll stop now and pause to think who else can I tag. I am pretty sure most people I know have taken this tag up already but I'd still love to hear from Simran, HVP, Choxbox, Shruti and any other mommy who'd like to take it up. Take it away ladies!

Where is my baby?

You know your tiny precious little baby has grown up into a big girl when:

• You suddenly realize that you have your living room back! I mean for the first 3.5 years, it was not a living room but more of a playschool - full of baby equipment like a rocker, swing, activity gym, rattles, high chair and the list goes on. Yesterday when I was cleaning up her toys in our guest bedroom (which doubles up as N's playroom), I suddenly realized how all her stuff has moved from the drawing room into this bedroom. And now this is her haven...a place where she spends a lot of time in...drawing & coloring on her new table & chair, doing puzzles, playing with her friends, etc. Suddenly we don't receive comments from single friends who visited us saying your home looks more like a playschool :-)

• Her toys graduate from being dumped into one big laundry basket in the corner of a room to being organized into cupboards or shelves or cubbies so she can pick and choose what she wants to play at a given time and can keep it organized once done.

• You see your little one able to rock her body weight back and forth expertly and swing herself so high so easily. Suddenly she no longer needs you to push her back and forth yelling "higher mommy...higher!!!"

• Your little one can actually tell you what she wants to eat and what she doesn't. Unlike just a few months ago when just getting stuff into her system was an accomplishment...didn't matter what you were stuffing her with :-)

• Your little one is not just asking silly questions but actually stuff that makes you stop and think. And not once or twice...every single minute...every single hour of the day.

• When you see her mothering her soft toys telling them not to worry coz her mommy is here.

• When you notice that she actually has a very sharp sense of time. For example, you pick her up from day care a little early one day and she says "why did you come jaldi today" or when you are running late for her pickup and find her waiting on her mat at school instead of playing in the park. It is so eerie to see how they just know!

• When you see her trying to write alphabets and numbers on her DoodlePro instead of her usual drawing or random doodling. And this after NO effort whatsoever from our end. Infact we chose to send her to a Montessori and not a traditional school where they emphasize on holistic learning rather than just reading or writing at such a young age.

• When you see that she can actually keep herself busy for hours now engaged in some activity or the other at home rather than her calling us to play with her ALL the time until just a month ago.

I am sure this list can keep growing as I find myself marveling at every new little thing each day. It is just so emotional to see the transformation which seems like it happened overnight. Not sure if it is because she has now graduated from being taken care by a maid to going to a daycare setup or it is just her age to grow into such things but things are changing fast now and thankfully for the better. Knock on wood. Kala Tikka. Love you my baby. Can't believe you will be 4 in a few months already!!!

Of Graduation Days and Emotions

So during the week of organizing International Women's Day event and taking ownership to lead the Women's Diversity Group at work, there was yet another day when I was doing some kind of hosting, addressing the crowd and generally glowing in 2 two seconds of fame :-)

You remember I wrote about N's first school in life a while ago and how I loved it? Infact I think I wrote several posts on her at that school (check here and here). Well, they called me to *ahem ahem* be the chief guest at their graduation and annual day this year. I was shocked to say the least since this has never ever happenned to me before. I mean chief guest!!? Really? Am I that old or distinguished enough? Or am I famous or well connected enough? They surely have mistaken me for someone else I thought. Or maybe they couldn't rope in anyone on their A list and so I was their fall back option. So I tried telling them they should get a more influential person and what not but they wouldn't budge. They wanted it to be a parent, someone who knows the school more closely and thought I would be best since I had always supported them over the last couple of years.

So there I was! Supposed to come up with a speech, address the crowd, watch the cute little babies perform on stage and hand over graduation certificates to the cute little ones. I was touched. Ofcourse I wanted to do it. So I thought and thought about what I could tell these parents, grandparents and relatives who will be attending that day and most of whom I was sure would be older and wiser than me. Did some research online...just looking for graduation day ideas and came across this beautiful song that inspired me to pen all my thoughts down.

I decided that THIS was going to be my key message. I took inspiration from Sheryl Sandberg's video that I posted here since I was to give a talk without looking at any powerpoint slides out here. There would be no fancy conference room or a laptop going through my slide deck or anything. So I had to say what I had to say as if coming to me naturally and fill it with real life incidents. And I thought Sandberg did a great job at that in the video. Not easy for me to do this after spending years and years in the corporate world doing presentations with the aid of slides, notes or powerpoint decks. Kinda reminded me of school days when we would "by-heart" our poems or speeches and have to narrate :-) What would life be without technology....sigh!

Anyways, I digress. So I wrote and wrote till I poured my heart out on paper (well...electronic paper I must say) and decided that I'd end my talk with this above mentioned song. I'd let them listen to how beautifully it describes what I was trying to say and let their eyes moisten up too like mine did when I first heard it.

But then there came another contestant. A song that I have always, always loved and has never failed to make me teary eyed. A song that is sooooooo appropriate for a parent to sing for his/her child....that talks about our aspirations, hopes and prayers for our children. A song I have always wanted to sing for my daughter.

Sigh...not just the words but the picturization is also sooooo touching. Tough choice I tell you. I played both these songs for my little N over the week, slept on it, tried to reach a decision on which one I should tailor my talk towards and which one should be the conclusion of my talk. Finally after a lot of listening to these over and over again....on my laptop...on my ipod...in my sleep even...I decided I'd stick with the former...the song that started it all. After all that was the song that got me started on my writing and helped me put together a very nice message for the audience.

So that's what I did on the morning of March 12. I got up bright and early, got ready, kissed my lovely daughter and hubby goodbye (they had plans to spend a nice lazy, cozy Saturday morning at home) and took the ipod and ipod dock to Kinder Kare Playschool and immersed myself in the children. I had such a good time watching them perform without the anxiety of waiting for my little one to come on stage and worrying whether she would look at me and cry or dance! I was amazed to see that not a single one cried this year unlike last year when my lil N was doing the performance on that same stage but burst into tears when she was being handed over the graduation certificate. Too emotional I tell ya! They then welcomed me, said some really nice words about me and a small girl maybe 3.5 years old welcomed me with a lovely bouquet. It was such a pleasure spending the morning with them very unlike how I spent my own daughter's graduation day this year at the other Montessori she is going to. That was a nail biting, tear wiping, stressful event and is probably matter for another post in itself. After spending months practicing her dances at school, the little child was in tears when she was finally put on the stage on their Annual Day. And I don't really blame her coz the kids were taken to a totally different venue, a brand new place and room, a brand new stage where they have never been before and asked to perform. With NO prior mental preparation whatsoever. How would you expect a 3 or 4 year old to do something as humongous without any mental preparation whatsoever? This same child of mine performed much better last year when she was at here at Kinder Kare though she was 1 whole year younger! It is all about preparing and conditioning these little ones I say. Anyways, many other small things that could have been paid more attention to. But that was just Annual Day. There are other good things that this Montessori is doing very well which is why I am happy she is going there for another year.

Overall, this one incident of me going back to her previous school made me think how much I miss staying connected with her school. If I were in the US, I swear I would be so much more involved with her school. It is so normal and kind of expected for parents to stay involved in running the co-operative schools there in the US. I mean everything including volunteering to coach football (or any other sport) or leading a committee to organize other co-curricular activities, etc. Whereas in India, in most schools, parent involvement is neither offered nor encouraged. Pretty sad isn't it? What do you think?

Just an update

Just stopping by to post a quick update and say thanks to all the well wishers who left comments on my previous post here. So given that it has been 4 weeks now since lil N started going to daycare, I am finally pleased to see that she has warmed up to her caretakers and other kids there and is happy going to school and daycare now. We had decided not to call it daycare just so that she does not compartmentalize things...we still call it school coz it is the same place she stays back at...just the teacher changes. So she went from not liking her daycare teacher to now actually saying that she likes her and her school teacher as well and her 'akkas' there too. And that now she is a big girl and likes going to school. My heart swelled with pride when I heard that the first time and I sent a silent prayer to the Almighty for making her such a sweetheart and for giving me the strength to not give up.

Like Rohini says...kids really are more resilient than what we give them credit for at times. Thank you god and touchwood...kala tikka...whatever it takes to keep this going.

Thinking of you and your creativity my child...

I am making new discoveries in you almost every day these days but just haven't had a chance to actually pen it all down. Here is what you have been upto over the last few months:

You graduated from pre-nursery (playschool) in March 2010. After which you've had 2 months of summer break during which you enjoyed visits from your Nana-Nani in April and your Aabu-Amma-Bua in May. With Nana and Nani, we went to ISKCON temple, Vidhan Soudha and Lalbagh garden in Bangalore. And with Aabu, Aama and Bua we went to Lalbagh garden again where you enjoyed long walks with your papa.

This was also the phase where you had taken to your Doodle-Pro and enjoyed scribbling, doodling and drawing on it. I think that was due to your previous nanny Pooja didi whom you like the most amongst all the nannies you've had to date. She used to enjoy drawing and I think got you hooked onto it as well. I remember discovering how in early April you were trying to copy strokes to actually draw something (instead of just doodling). One day mommy and papa showed you how to draw a fish and the next day, we saw you drawing it all by yourself! Here are your attempts:

A few weeks later, you were into completing some aspects of pics we would draw. For example, if I drew a face, you would draw the ears, bindi, eyes, mouth, even hair - basically whatever was missing. Until one day in May you drew a girl all by yourself! Oh how excited we all were...especially your Aabu and Bua since they are the most artistic ones in our family! Here is how your little doll's drawing looked:

And then you joined your new Montessori in early June. It has barely been 2 months since you joined but you seem to be learning so many things already that it is hard to keep up! Singing new songs, doing new dances is a norm these days. But what got the most oohs and aahs from me most recently is when you recognized certain alphabets and numbers all of a sudden just in the midst of playing. Like the other day, you were playing with an old foam alphabet-and-numbers puzzle that you've played with a million times now. But never before have you actually identified what you are fixing. So I did not think anything might have changed even now until I heard you asking "Where is number 1" this time. I started looking for the piece with number 1 on it and came across the letter I. I thought I can pass it off to you to calm you down but you actually shouted back exclaiming "This is not 1 mamma. This is I!!!" Took my breath away I tell ya!

Then the other day, we went to your cousin baby Aditya's naming ceremony over this last weekend (July 25 to be precise). At the end of that function, you were given lots of balloons to take home to play with. But guess what you did with them this time? That night at home, you asked for a pen and said I want to paint on the balloons mamma. I double checked asking you mean you want to draw/paint with a pen on this book? And you said no - you wanted to draw and paint on the balloon! And when I handed you a black sketch pen, you actually spent almost an hour drawing away on the balloon! You enjoyed it so thoroughly that you had your back towards the TV all the while when mommy and daddy enjoyed a noise free TV time - our first in ages! And when the sketchpen squeaked on the balloon, you remarked how it was making "choik choik" sound! Heehee! The session ended with the balloon bursting and you growing angry at it for bursting off and throwing the sketch pen under the couch :-) That didn't deter you though coz you had 8 more balloons in the house. So the next day you asked for the pen again and spent a good chunk of the afternoon "painting" not one but a bunch of 5 balloons tied together! By the end of each session you had black ink all over you but the joy I got trying to see your imagination at work was precious. You kept telling me what you were drawing...you kept your fingers and tried to sketch around them, drawing a smiley face on the balloon, just drawing a huge circle and coloring it within...all on the poor balloons :-) Here are some pics:

Of viral infections and such...

We've had the worst few days in a while. Poor baby had to go through a new kind of viral infection in which her throat got badly inflamed and she had viral blisters under her tongue. So bad so that she could not even comprehend putting anything in her mouth due to the extreme pain she was in. Her favorite chocolates, cakes, chips, candy, soup, etc. were offered to her - not once but multiple times...and all she could do was stare at it for a bit and then fold and keep it away. My heart broke at a small child going through so much pain that she would want to eat her favorite things and ask for them but then would cry saying "chhaala" or "fever" and point to her mouth or throat and put it back. It started on Wednesday night and by Thursday afternoon when the fever refused to subside with Crocin syrup, I called the pediatrician. He advised administering 6ml of Ibugesic Plus every 8 hours for the fever and throat pain she was complaining of and wait it for a day or two before bringing her in. But by Friday, things just did not seem to be improving and with her not eating or even drinking anything, I took her to the pediatrician for an examination.

He checked and declared that no antibiotics will help as it is a viral infection. The first thing I remember him asking me is "What are you most worried about". Coz if anything, he asked me to be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. He said to leave her alone if she does not eat or drink too much, don't force anything except offer warm liquids often (such as warm water, soup, dal, rice water, etc.) and keep administering Ibugesic Plus every 8 hours to help in her pain and fever. If needed, we can supplement with Crocin after 4 hours or so as well. But he prepared me mentally to say she will be worst when she wakes up coz her throat will be like sandpaper. She will probably have body ache, headache or eyes will hurt etc. She will lose weight and be ill for a week. Gosh my jaw dropped when I heard that there was nothing we could do to ease her pain or reduce the misery. It had to take its course. When we went home, she just got worse by evening as a new blister under her tongue that I had not seen before was really really troubling her. She could not bear the pain and cried constantly holding her mouth. Poor thing didn't know what it was and kept referring to it as "chhilka" (instead of chhala). That Friday evening was the worst as I had 2 meetings that I could not get out of and one of them was my 1:1 with the boss. When he heard me talking on the phone with her crying in my lap, he was instantly so supportive and first of all joked about it saying "Whoa! How many participants do we have on the call today" And when I explained she was ill, he sympathized and asked "Do you think we can talk"? I said we could until she let us which was long enough for us to have a meaningful conversation. So that was good. But later that night, she just got worse with the pain in her chhala. The fact that she kept complaining of the pain and wouldn't do anything but hold her mouth and cry, we applied the Smyle gel on it thinking it will help her (obviously after consulting with the ped). But that seemed to hurt her even more and she started kicking her legs and throwing her hands in pain! Gosh - I have never seen the poor child in so much pain ever! We panicked thinking why is she acting abnormal and worriedly called the doc to ask which hospital should we rush her to. But thankfully, after I made her rinse her mouth and get rid of the gel, she calmed down a little. Still didn't eat or drink but atleast stopped writhing in pain. Poor child did not sleep a wink that entire night! She just sat with me and watched Dora on TV or wanted to play or read books, etc. Whenever she saw anyone on TV or in the books eating anything, she would ask for the same thing. And when I offered it to her, she would just cry saying "fever hai" or "chhilka". Worst was when she asked for a chocolate (which in good health is the last thing she would resist) and when I gave an entire bar of Dairy Milk to her, she just opened it, started at it for a long time and then wrapped it up and gave it back to me with tears in her eyes. That was my worst moment ever when she wanted to eat stuff she loves and couldn't gather up the courage to coz of the immense pain. Even with water, she was thirsty but when given water, she could not even take a sip. Would just keep bringing the glass to her mouth and then stop. She would take me to the kitchen repeatedly that night, ask for water, and hold the glass and cry. She would not be able to lie down horizontal on the bed and sleep coz even that would aggravate her pain. So finally at 6:30am I somehow convinced her to go inside and slept sitting up holding her onto me. Thankfully she woke up a little more cheerful at around 10am and things started getting better on Saturday with her being able to eat very tiny bites of food and sip on warm water. We started giving her warm water with GluconD so that she can atleast start regaining some energy in her system. By Sunday it was thankfully much better. Thankfully Friday night was the worst of it and it didn't get any worse as we feared. Oh Thank God!!! Touchwood! It is always painful to see your child in pain but to see her heartbroken along with it coz she could not eat or drink even though she wanted to was just double the trauma for me. I remember explaining to her that night about how God gives pain to everyone in life. It is a part of life so that we learn the value of happiness and learn how to bear pain and come out stronger. I told her how mommy also had pain ("boo") when she was a little baby and how her mommy was so worried about her. The child just sat and listened amidst her tears that night but she did narrate some of it back the next morning so hopefully she did understand what I was trying to explain to her.

BTW that night also reminded me of the long sleepless nights we had when she was just born and somehow made me wonder whether I am ready to do this all over again :-) I guess I am...if not for anything, for her own sake. I would like her to have a sibling in life. Ah...maybe someday...For now, I just hope I get your share of pain and misery my child and may you never have to go through such agony again.

Oh and I just realized that I have written about another time when she had had

a viral infection but she was a lot younger then. Seems like the docs in the US and

here in India had nothing too different to advise, which is very reassuring in a

strange kind of way :-) I will post about her recent battle with bladder infection

too at some point so that I remember the details and can help other moms or kids

going through it. That was traumatic coz for the longest time, we did not have a

diagnosis of her pain so it was quite frustrating for us to see her go through the

pain without knowing whats wrong and how to treat it.

My baby is growing up

Since I have become so random in recording N's milestones after she turned 2, I thought I should atleast capture some of the really cute things going on in her world these days:

1). Baby Language

She has been singing nursery rhymes since she was almost 2 years of age. Those were the times when she had some really cute 'baby' pronunciations when she sang. For example:

'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' was sung as

'Chinkau Chinkau Little Chtar'

Now that she is 2yrs 7 months, I can see so much of that baby language fading away. Part of me feels good that she is growing but a bigger part of me really feels sad that my little baby is growing into a big girl now. She will no longer be only mommy's little baby anymore :( Infact, now a days when I sing Chinkau Chinkau, she corrects me to say 'No mamma - Tinkual Tinkual Little Star'! Feel so good that she is still not there yet and still has such cute ways to pronounce certain words. Like when she was a little younger, crocodile was pronounced as cocokiiiile. But now when I say cocokile, she corrects me to say 'No No - cocodile'. Also when she had just learnt her colors (which I don't honestly remember was how long ago), when asked which color a certain object was, she used to say 'blue colors' pronouncing 'colors' as 'colorchh'. Every color ended with 'colors'. Now no more :( When asked which color is this, all she says is 'blue', or 'red' or whatever color. Lost the cute chubby way of saying 'colorchh'.

2). Artist in the Growing?

The little girl has developed a sudden love towards drawing. Give her a pen and a paper or even better - a DoodlePro and she is seen all settled happily on the floor for a long time drawing away either narrating stories while drawing or constantly trying to perfect something she is learning to draw. So far she had been doodling away mostly drawing circles of different sizes and scribbling in general. But the other day, I actually saw her attempting to draw what looked like a fish. So me and hubby got interested and encouraged her, even drew one up to show her how to draw it and immediately she copied our strokes and managed drawing her first fish! We got sooooo excited that she is now trying to intentionally imitate strokes and actually draw something by either copying our strokes or using her imagination! I even got up and clicked a few pics from my phone to record the moment. Since then she has gone on to learn drawing what she calls 'Dora's eyes' (which is really a pair of eyes), a smiley face and today when she drew up a smiley face on the DoodlePro and I asked her where is smiley's hair, she actually drew up his hair on the head!!! She does know how to translate her visuals into sketches now coz later I saw her draw a dot on the smiley's forehead and say 'this is his kumkum ok?' (she refers to bindi as kumkum).

3). Picking up a new language

Hindi. So far even though we spoke Hindi, English and Konkani at home, she had picked up only English and used only that language in all her communication with everyone. Lately though, thanks to our new maid who spends most of her day with N and talks to her in Hindi, N has started conversing in Hindi pretty well. I had been singing Hindi and English rhymes to her but she had not really picked up the Hindi ones as much. But now she sings 'Machhli Jal ki Rani Hai' to perfection and with actions!

4). Clothes and accessories

The saga about being determined to pick her own clothes continues as I had already talked about previously here. And not just once or twice, there are days when she wants to change what she is wearing almost 4 times a day. Oh and she has her favorites that she can live in day after day after day. One of them (her orange shirt and orange chhota (i.e. half) pant) is so battered that I actually hid it away and the poor thing has been asking for it every single day. I have tried different ways of convincing her that I gave it away to a small baby or a pigeon took it away but my heart breaks when she says 'I am very sad...I want my orange shirt and orange chhota pant' :( I am still trying to convince her that remember mommy gave it away to the baby? We will ask your nani to bring a new orange shirt and orange pant for you. Jeez! And the demand for bangles and shoes is also never ending. The thing that she should be into, but is not, is doing up her hair. She refuses anything in her hair - no clips or rubber-bands or hair bands or any hair accessories for her.

5). Office ka kaam (Meaning: Office Work)

She is finally getting used to seeing mommy going to office now or doing 'office ka kaam' from home. So when I don't work on my laptop at the home office and am doing it from the couch at times, she comes and asks me why I am not doing it from the office ka table. Or why am I not talking on the phone using the headset! She even pretends at times to work away on my laptop and says 'shh..don't disturb me. I am in a meeting' or 'I am doing office ka kaam like mamma'.

6). Sudden love for her soft toys and Dora - the doll

As long as her tummy is full, she is not really longing for or clinging to mamma these days. If she is not doodling or drawing on her DoodlePro, I see her spending a long time doing pretend play with her soft toys and Dora the doll. She talks to them just as I talk to her, puts them to sleep, does oil massage to them, takes them to the park and what not. Infact tonight was the first night ever that she actually took her Krishna soft toy to bed! Now you have to remember that she has never been into any kind of a lovey toy and prefers sucking her thumb or holding my hair while going to sleep. But today she actually hugged her friend Krishna tightly and even took my hand away from her waist. After a while she probably felt bad for me and said 'Are you falling down? Come' and hugged me with one hand and Krishna with the other and just fell asleep like that. My sweet sweet little angel - knock on wood! Oh and prior to all this, she had put her Dora doll to sleep by asking her 'Are you feeling cold? Come I will give you a blanket' and she nicely wrapped up the little doll in one of her blankets and put her to sleep on the living room floor. Oh and please note - she has played with her doll so much lately that the legs have been seperated and now it is just the upper part of her body that she carries around town these days :-) She carries Dora the doll to the park in the evenings so that when a friend of hers asks her whether she can share the swing, our smart little N has an answer ready - that she is already sharing the swing with Dora!!!

7). Blocks and her imagination

She has suddenly started taking interest in blocks and builds things based on what she sees around her or what she imagines. Making a tower or a house is become a pretty common sight but today she actually used a white, red and blue block, covered it with another blue block, topped it with a red block for the light and called it her ambulance! She somehow recollects (god knows from where) that an ambulance has only red, white and blue colors and a red light on top. Interesting stuff ain't it? :-)

Baby Love

Just can't get these words out of my head today. My heart is gushing with so much love for my dear little baby today that I don't have the words to describe it. These are the only words that come close. So here's to my baby...the one who came in my life and filled me with this ocean of love and taught me sooooo much more than I ever knew in the past 30 years of living it myself...

You fill up my senses...

Like a night in a forest,

Like the mountains in springtime,

Like a walk in the rain....

Like a storm in the desert,

Like a sleepy blue ocean.

You fill up my senses...

Come fill me again!

'Twas a huge milestone for my little one yesterday - she went to a daycare for the first time yesterday (Feb 16, 2010). And after all the knowledge of how it is so good for them and stuff, how it will teach them to be independent, eat by themselves, etc. - the day you actually leave your child in the daycare for the first time and walk away, I tell you...it hurts like never before...almost like you left your soul behind. I could not stop crying for the entire 1.5 hours that she was there and just kept visualizing her cry for mommy when I was stepping out. She was sitting in a ball pit quietly playing with a child when I went to pick her up but I was the one who had it worse...the one who could just not forgive herself for putting her child through this. God!!! Why does baby love have to be sooooooo strong! Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it feel like a part of my heart is torn away each time I see a tear shed by her?

Sigh...I know it gets easier. Today already was. She wanted to be fed lunch by me (like yesterday) and then an hour later, let me go without a tear. And when I came back to pick her up, saw her eating her raisins from her snack box in the room with everyone else. Will never forget how she ran to me saying "I ate chhota kishmish and biiiiiiiiig kishmish". God bless her and let me NOT jinx myself or her by writing about it. Touchwood. Kalatikka. So I was saying I know it gets easier, but after being the only constant rock in her life for the past 2.5 years, after being with her day in and day out for the past 1.5 years, after her trusting me more than anyone else who loves her (including her papa), separation does get harder than ever. It probably would have not been this hard if I had not given up the job and stayed at home. The separation for the job hours would have continued matter-of-factly instead of this huge deal that it now seems. The mommy-baby love is stronger than most forms of love is what I am beginning to learn...and to let the baby think even for a moment that this person whom I trust blindly, is leaving me all alone to fend for myself in this big bag world - is NOT a good feeling to deal with. Yesterday I cried thinking that the little one will never trust me again when I told her that I'm coming in 5 minutes and then disappeared for an hour. (But then today I did not lie anymore...told her I am going to office and will come back and get her. She said ok and was happy to say goodbye as long as the teacher gave her a chocolate :-)). Also then some of my friends put some sense in my baby-love struck brain that this is what we do for getting them used to school as well right? Then this is no different - it will be good for them in the long run. So don't kill yourselves over it. Sigh - so much easier said than done :(

Girls will be girls!

My little baby girl is not even 2.5 years old and she has already started demonstrating such girliness that I just had to write about it. Adorable girly stuff she has started doing lately:

• Picking her own clothes from her cupboard. She insists we carry her to raise her up to the top shelf in her cupboard so that she can look at all her clothes and decide what she wants to wear today! Gosh - she even knows the difference between her 'ghar ka shirt' and 'bahar ka shirt', 'ghar ka pant' and 'bahar ka pant' (clothes to be worn at home v/s clothes to be worn when you go out). I was shocked the first time she started doing this but now she does it consistently - does not wear anything unless she has picked it out herself. Sometimes goes through 2 or 3 changes until she is satisfied with what she has worn :-)))

• She has always loved dancing when there is music but these days observes every song on TV while she is busy moving to the music AND IMITATES each step she sees in the song!!! I am sure she has taken after me here...I used to dance to my heart's content in front of the radio when I was around 2 holding my frock or a particular red color maxi I remember I had. So her dancing is not something I'm surprised with...it is her imitating the steps that amazes me. I have seen 7 or 8 year old girls do it but one who is barely 2.5? BTW you do know what this means right...that we struggle to find the remote to change channels every time there is an item number going on!!! And sure enough she hates it if you change the song she was so busy dancing on :-)

• She is so much into shoes and more than shoes, chappals that it is amazing. We bought her first pair of blue flip-flops in Dec. when she was 2 yrs and 4 months and she did not want to take them off 24/7. Since then we have opened another pretty pair of pink flip flops that my friend G had sent from the US and oh how she adores them. She refuses to step out of her bed without them...refuses to keep them back in the shoe rack...wakes up and the first thing she asks us is "where is my pink color chappal with pretty pretty stone?" And due to this, she has now learnt the difference between shoes, sandals and chappals. And also has her own 'ghar ka chappal' and 'bahar ka sandal'. She even notices what every other child her age wears and if she likes their flip-flops - she insists she wants them NOW! Even in winter, she refuses to wear socks anymore so that she can walk around in her pretty pretty pink color chappal ! Thanks G :-) if you are reading this! (Am posting a pic of hers posing in the pink chappal she loves)

• She compliments us on what we wear and even picks out our clothes and shoes sometimes. I have noticed sometimes when I change clothes, she goes "wow mama you wore a pink color dress. You are looking so nice in the new new pink color dress!" Or when we are going out she will bring my shoes and say "mama wear your bahar ka shoes like me". And god only save me if I decide to wear a chappal while she is wearing shoes! Or if I decide to wear shoes if she is wearing chappal! Same goes for Papa too! When papa is done with his morning shower, sometimes she stands in front of his cupboard and tells him what color shirt he should wear. If he wears something she picks, she compliments him with a "Nice". Oh and when I change out of my night clothes to drop her to school, she insists she wants to wear the exact same color dress as mama! Oh god - dressing her up is a huge project these days - and she is not even into jewelery or makeup yet. I have not even pierced the little child's ears yet...don't even want to think what will happen then :-)

Whatever it is...I find all of this sooooo cute and endearing. It is amazing to see how much they observe and absorb at such a young age. I can tell her stories about how her friends tie a rubber band and convince her to tie her hair at times too. That is also how she started wearing the only piece of ornament she wears - her two silver bangles. Only coz a few of her friends and a cousin wears them :-)

Kids can be soooo understanding

Ever since I posted my last entry on this blog ranting about how difficult it was to get N settled with her new nanny, things have actually taken a turn to be much much better. Touchwood! Touchwood! Touchwood (please do not jinx me or N on this ever!). I have realized that once again my child has taught me to be patient and not expect miracles in a day. Yet at the same time, she has made me realize that they can be very mature, understanding and responsible if that is what life demands out of them. I needed her to co-operate, to stop making mommy feel so bad accepting a full time job (even though it is for mommy's sake right now) and to please let someone else take mommy's place for a few hours every day while I go out and satisfy the other side of me as a person - the side other than loving being a mom...the side that wants to satisfy the itch of having a great career knowing that staying at home and spending great quality time with my little one, although has been a lot of fun, I will never be able to forgive myself if I do not atleast try doing other things I want to do in life as well. So after I realized that maybe N was missing having mommy all to herself and was a little angry at pushing her towards the nanny a little bit now and then, I backed off and gave her all the love and mommy time she wanted for a week. Plus she had her aabu (grandpa) visiting that week too so she loved all the time and attention from him as well. She happily trotted to school every morning with him and even came back home with him. While all these months she has never gone to school with anyone else but mommy. So after the one week of a reset and providing her all the mommy time she needs and having the nanny around at home as well, she probably felt secure enough to venture towards her and start playing happily with her. I could hear squeals of delight when the nanny entertained her in her silly games and used to thank god for those moments of happiness seeing them bonding together.

Then one night a few days before N's grandpa was leaving, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with her. BTW nights are the best times to have a good talk to her...she is actually listening and most times she also tells me a lot about her day at school and other things at night when I am putting her to sleep. So here's bits and pieces of how our conversation went that night:

Me: N, when papa goes to office, do you cry?

N: No.

Me: So when mommy goes to office, will you cry?

N: No. I will not cry when mommy goes to office.

N: And I will not cry when aabu goes to Bombay. (this part surprised me and my hubby as we never expected her to even realize that her grandpa is not here for good and that he is only visiting. This sentence came totallly unprompted as we had not even planned his return travel yet...but she just knew he'd leave some day to go back to his home in Bombay!)

Me: (Hugging and kissing her tightly) Good girl N. I will come back from office and play with you. Will you please come home from school with D auntie (her nanny) and eat mum mum (lunch) with her?

N: Yes.

And volla! Since then, she has actually done as she promised. The day after her grandpa left, I walked her to school and while saying goodbye, told her that mommy will go to office and would she not cry and go home with D auntie and eat mum mum (lunch) and do ta ta (sleep)? She nodded her yes. And with a heavy heart I left home around the time she was supposed to come home and stayed outdoors for 3 hours. When I got back I found her playing with the nanny. She saw me enter, squealed with delight, jumped on me and made me fall, hugged me so tight and said "Mommy you came back from office? I did not cry"!!! Now how can this not make me melt down to the floor!!!??? So I spent the rest of my day all in love with the wonderfully co-operative child. And followed the same 'going to office' routine the rest of the week. The second day I found her sleeping when I got home. The third day I found her actually done with the nap and actually starting to drink her evening milk with the nanny. And each time she greeted me with such joy that it just made my heart melt even more. But I secretly thanked god for one good step ahead each day and realized that my child just needed reassurance that mommy wasn't going away leaving her with the nanny. Thank god for miracles like these. It is just the moments when she hugs me tight and says things like "Thank you for coming back from office" that make me re-think if I am really doing the right thing...

Oh well...I guess I wouldn't know until I actually try it out once. I will give it my best shot and then decide if this really is for me anymore or are my days of having an actual career (not just a job) are over for a long long while now.

N and her new ways (with the new Nanny)

Hellllllllllp! Just when I thought I am beginning to get a good handle on how to raise my child...and just when I started thinking this is a piece of cake...let's have another one - she has decided to test my patience to the limits. I shudder to think of how I lose it at times and wonder if her own mom can get so worked up...what will the nanny do when I am away at work? Ugh!!! Gives me the chills. The child of mine is almost 2yrs 5 months now and has decided to be her most difficult self these days. Dunno if that is just the terrible twos now kicking in or the slight lifestyle change where I am trying to detach her from me and get her used to a nanny. Whatever it is - I seriously need your input.

She refuses to go for a bath on most days, refuses to go pee even when it is past 4 hours and refuses to go for a nap at her usual time. Like today she finally went for her nap at 5pm in the evening! Her normal time used to be 2pm on most days and latest by 3:30pm. She used to wake up around 5 or 5:30, drink her milk and go down to the park in the evenings. These days her entire schedule is out for a toss. Also these days she's going through a viral bug where she is coughing and has a runny nose. Doc advises steaming but she refuses to do even that. Its scary to see my shy and timid child turn into this 'shouting monster' who shouts NO when being told to do steaming, or go for a bath or take her nap even. Ooohhh please please help! What do I do when my patience has reached its limits??? :( I do not believe in spanking...her only punishment is a time-out in the balcony.

BTW I do believe part of it is coz she is getting a lot of attention and love from this new nanny whom she adores as long as they are playing. But the moment the nanny tries her to get to eat or bathe, lil N snaps back at her and either comes to me wailing or just becomes very stubborn. I wonder how the nanny will deal with N if I am away full time at work.

Edited to Add: The next morning was worse with me waking up ill (with a flu) and having to send her to school with the nanny. I think both she and I broke down at this point - she believing that mommy has totally abandoned her and I seeing her heart break so badly. So we both broke down and cried to our heart's content. Surprisingly though, things got much better after that. I resolved to be there for her a little longer and stop pushing her so hard. She too reciprocated the love and is behaving like her well mannered self all over again. Whew! Thank God it is a new day and things have come back to normal in our household. After speaking to a few friends who have been through this ordeal, they have asked me to give her a week and go gradually. She will get used to not having mommy 24 x 7 and let the nanny do things for her eventually. So I will give it a more patient and genuine try now and try not to lose my patience. I think my friend SBJ (read comments) hit the nail on the head - the biggest thing I should always keep in mind when I am impatient with N is...how would I like the nanny to deal with a similar situation when I am away.

In any case, thank god I can see much more clearly now the rain is gone...la la la :-) Sigh...I think it was just a bad Wednesday & Thursday filled with lots of 'Mama Guilt' ! Thanks dear friends for all your words of wisdom. And I love you my lil N...you have taught me so much in such a short time. Please know that I will be there for you ALWAYS as long as I am alive...and if possible even after that.

Moving On to the New Year

Just a random post to pour out all that I have been feeling lately...

• Ever since I got back home to Bangalore after a month long trip from my brother's wedding, things seem quite changed with most of my friends in town. Seems like everyone has moved on to pursue things in life that they always wanted to. Its all for their good ofcourse but it just seems like so much has hapenned in the one month I was away. One of my friends & neighbor bought a new home (which ofcourse means she will be moving away soon), two of my friends got pregnant with a second one (and sadly both of them lost the babies too), one of them got out and got a job (which means she is less available during the day) and another one is looking to pursue some kind of an educational course to get back to work. This gave me lots of inspiration and the push I needed to get out in the job market myself. Just seems like all of us who have been at home during the transitional period to settle down in Bangalore have now decided to move on.
• So I started 2010 with a resolution that this is the year I will take the next big step in my life - either have a second kid or buy a home for ourselves or get back to my career that I gave up almost a year ago (since we moved back from the US). So that is my resolution - to move on to the next step in life and get all the support structure needed around me to support this move.
• Hence I am currently in the market for a full time cook cum nanny for my kiddo. Just like I had in the US. And I tell you it is hard...very hard to find someone you can trust your child and your home to. I am trying out different maids almost every other day. I am also evaluating day-cares as another option but am a little hesitant sending little N to one at this stage. Knowing her, we as parents believe she will be most comfortable at her own home. I really hope and pray I find someone as trustworthy as I had in the US. How I wish I could call that nanny over to India and have her live with us! If you don't know who I am talking about, see here and here.
• My plan is to settle little N down with either a nanny or a day-care and get back to work in the next month or so. Any tips or ideas anyone? How have you stepped out of home with a little one around? I mean I had gone back to work right after she turned 3 months but that was in the US and that too once I found a nanny I could trust. I think it is easier to trust someone there than in India coz of the laws and traceability system there. The quality of maids I am finding here is not comparable to what I had there and the Montessori schools I like do not have on-campus day-cares here. So what did you mommies who moved back to India do? What if I get a job I really like but it requires some travel? And worse - what if they require travel abroad (even if it is once or twice a year)? What do you guys do then?

Before Amnesia Sets In - Part 2

I had written a post earlier on a few of the most frequently asked questions regarding baby care. Wanted to continue with the same thought process before I forget all these precious minute details again.

Weaning off the Bottle

I wanted to pen down one of the biggest accomplishments me and my little brat have made recently. We had been away to my in-laws and then my parents place over the last month for my bro's wedding. So I took this opportunity to turn my gradual bottle weaning process into an accelerated one coz anyways my target was to wean her off the bottle completely before the wedding. And although it was tough initially seeing the poor baby ask for the bottle time and again and being cranky without it, I am proud to announce that she has finally changed her ways and has been successfully weaned off the Dr. Brown's bottles! Whew!

I must say though that in many ways I was actually happy with her milk intake through the bottle. She drank more than 3 bottles at times (6-7 ounces each). Now with a cup, it has come down to one good full cup in a day and maybe a sip or two here and there. Quite a drastic drop from what she used to take earlier. I am trying though to make it up with other calcium rich foods like cheese, yogurt, milk in her cereal etc. And I do see that she is eating better now that her tummy does not get full with milk alone. But the eating part could just be coz she is growing up and needs more anyway. Oh well...us moms can't stop worrying about what kiddos eat I guess. But atleast this is one big milestone that little N has finally accomplished after me really wondering if she's gonna continue with the bottles forever :-)

So here's how we did it. I tried the gradual process for a month or so before I left town. Used to give her milk from a cup at nights and got her used to falling asleep without a bottle in the bed. Once she got a little used to that process, I stopped bottles during the day as well. The only one she got was when she woke up in the morning and sometimes after her afternoon nap as well. Coz for the longest time she needed that as a comfort factor and as a tummy filler to wake up happy. If she didn't get that she would be really cranky and would not stop sucking on her thumb. So when she was fully awake, she had no issues drinking from a straw cup or a normal cup. There were many a nights when she did not drink enough from a cup and so did not sleep well (which obviously meant mommy and daddy did not sleep well either). But I did not give into a bottle feed at night to make sure she gets the message that she should drink sufficiently from the cup before turning in at night so that she does not get hungry at night again. In any case, one fine day when she had finished her evening bottle on the couch, she was fiddling with it and turned the nipple upside down and said "oh it broke". I grabbed this opportunity with both hands and emphasized again and again how she broke the bottle and how she cannot have milk in the bottle anymore. This logic worked for all her day and night milk intake except for the first bottle in the morning. And I was not in ready to take on that battle yet so quietly sneaked it into her while her eyes were closed anyways. The day we were leaving Bangalore though (Nov. 18th) she opened her eyes during the early morning feed and said "the bottle is fixed now!". And I was shocked! My hubby said its time we take this morning bottle away too. So travelling to Bombay was the best opportunity to do that. Once there, I told her the bottle was broken and so we left it at our Bangalore home. She did not like it a bit and cried for it for 2 days. I just did not give in and dealt with a mostly cranky child there. The 3rd day we went to meet one of my friends who has 2 kids, the younger of whom (baby A) was a year old and obviously drank from a bottle. My little N saw that baby drink from exactly the same Dr. Brown bottle and said "I want bottle se duddu". It ached my heart to see her yearn for it like that. So when we got home, I gave in and let her have her bottle again. You should have seen the happiness in that poor child. She was so thrilled after she had her heart's content. But I was again in a fix as to how to tell her it was a one time thing. So we told her that was baby A's bottle and after you had it, we returned it to baby A. Somehow she bought this story and was ok not having a bottle after that again. She cutely kept repeating "A is a chhota baby na, that's why she has bottle se duddu. I am a big girl so I am not sucking bot and saying bottle se duddu" (bot = thumb in konkani). Awww...what a samajhdar little kiddo.

We left for my parents place the next day and changing towns really helped. I could tell her how we left baby A behind and how it was her bottle. So now N will have cup se duddu. And I had to distract her with lots of stories, books, Dora on TV or watching kids play in the building's lobby - even late at nights before bed. But all that hard work paid off and little N finally took to drinking from a cup. So the last bottle she had was on Nov. 20 when she was almost 2 years and 3 months. Whew! I must say making them drink milk from a cup is more labor for us moms. And inspite of all that hardwork on our part, they don't drink as much as they used to anyway. So I really wonder whether it is worth all the hassle. I mean I had relatives visiting us during the wedding who said our kids had bottles till they were 5 years old. They didn't see it is a big deal that a 2 year old was still taken to a bottle. Infact they told me I weaned her off quite early. Now I am not sure if the tried and tested old ways are correct of the pediatrician's warnings of bottles being unhygienic as they have more crevices to clean. Oh well...whatever it is...I have seen it is easier to change habits sooner than later. So having to do this when she was 4 or 5 would have been far tougher I think.

My next project with her now is teaching her how to eat her meals by herself and getting her out of the thumb sucking habit. Efforts are still on and I will surely do a post once we achieve complete success. So stay tuned :-)

Potty Training

I wrote a post earlier on how we started little N's potty training at 18 months and were mostly done in a month or so. For details, please go to the post here and read from 4th paragraph onwards - "the other milestone I had planned for her at this age was to start her potty training...."

Settling down in her First School

Again, just creating a list of all these milestones here for a quick reference. I had written about how we got her to settle down in her first school ever and learn to stay away from mommy/daddy for a bit. That is always a worry for parents and by the time we get around to doing it again for the second kiddo, we tend to forget the details of how the first one did it. So read the post about it here.

Of school admissions and such

Wow what a morning we had - me and my child - I tell ya! Totally filmy. Started with me learning last night that one of the popular schools in our area (NPS) is giving out admission forms for Montessori and LKG starting today. And as you've read in my previous post how I've learnt that you really have to know where you want to send your child even before h/she turns 2 so that you can start the entire process in time. Gosh - little did I know what's in store for me this morning.

So first of all, some background on my rationale here. I was always of the opinion that I am not too crazy about these bigger schools yet coz my daughter is really too little right now. And even in June of next year she'll only just be 2 yrs 9 months. So still a little early for me to start worrying about her admission to LKG. The only reason I would even think of applying to big schools like NPS would be coz they have a Montessori stream of education where they take kids who turn 3 in June (give or take a few months). This way the kid gets a Montessori education and automatically goes to the 1st grade from there. So not only does the kid get the full benefit of the Montessori system for 3 years but the double benefit is that the parents do not have to worry about admissions to a bigger school again after their Montessori education is up. That was going to be the only reason that would make me even turn my head towards big schools like NPS. But again, in my mind, the school had to be very close to where we live and it had to have a warm and fuzzy feel for my kid. So when I came across the NPS HSR website last night and saw they were giving out forms starting today, I called one of my other friends who is also in the same boat as me. We both decided to drop our little ones to their playschool the next morning and then co-ordinate collecting forms from the 2 schools - NPS HSR and NPS Koramangala. Sounds simple so far right? Little did I know how huge a deal it would be for everyone that there would be a queue for miles and miles for such things. I had decided that I'll not get worked up like other parents, and coolly walk into one school and stand in line. If I get the form till 11:30 great, if not, I will leave the line, pick up N from school at 12:15, come home and try the next day. That was my plan since the start.

But reality had something else in store for me. Here's what transpired this morning. After an early start in the morning and several co-ordinating phone calls later I learn that my friend's dad has already gone to NPS HSR to collect forms for her daughter T. So reshuffling of plans hapenned amidst all the craziness of getting the little ones ready for school. I finally got out of the house, dropped N to school at 9:45am and co-ordinated with this other friend A who offered to give me a ride to the school. Reached NPS HSR at 10 and almost fell off my feet on seeing how long the queue was!!! I was almost ready to turn around and leave coz there was no way I would get even near the school gate till 11:30. And they were only giving out forms from 9-11am according to their website. Yet I tentatively dragged my feet towards the end of the spiral never ending queue and asked the lady at the tail end of the queue if this was the line for admission forms. As she turns her head towards me we both exclaim! She turns out to be my classmate from school (we'll call her S) whom I haven't met since I left school 15 years ago! Now isn't that really just like out of the movies! I said to her if this was one of my ex-boyfriends I would be meeting like this, it would be really really filmi! :-D Oh well...so we start excitedly catching up on every little detail...which hugely helped the 2 hours go by much sooner than it seemed. All the while we just couldn't get over the way met. Turns out she does not live too far from our place and has bought a new place even closer to ours now. I again digress. Back to the 'eventful morning details'. So I have most of my neighbors/friends calling me to give me real-time updates from the queue at the other school (NPS Koramangala) and such almost every 15 minutes. When the clock struck 11:30, we were in a panic mode coz we weren't too far away from the office in the queue but weren't so close that we can get the form and leave in the next 5 minutes to pick up our kids. We kept staring at the clock and at the queue. Finally both S and I made a call and asked our friends to pick up our kids from playschool. Now I've never done this before and I could not stop imagining N's little face wrinkled up in tears on not seeing mommy after school. I have seen it happen to other kids when their mommies were running late and felt terrible for that one minute of panic and sorrow the little ones find themselves in. But this call had to be made coz just the next 5-10 minutes of patience would get us those much coveted forms or else we'd have to repeat this all over again the next day for the same school and the day after for the other branch (NPS Koramangala). My friends convinced me saying she will be not be in strangers' hands...atleast she is with friends whom she knows pretty well. So she will get over it pretty quickly and will be fine if they put on Dora and prop her in front of the TV. And I would be with her in a matter of minutes anyways. S even said that there is always a first time like this...they'll have to learn to survive such things or else we'll never be able to go back to work! I kind of agreed with this thinking but obviously us moms are always full of guilt. So it killed me to stand there...but I did. I finally grabbed the form at 12:15, rushed out with S and reached home by 12:30. Went to my neighbor's to pick up N and found her in the lap of neighbor's kiddo's grandmom propped in front of Dora playing on TV but crying away saying "Let's go home!" It melted my heart and somehow convinced me that this little baby of mine is definitely not ready to go to a huge school like NPS yet. I will be sending her to one of the warm and fuzzy Montessoris nearby until she is a year or two older. Gosh! The only saving grace out of all this was that this nice friend/neighbor was able to somehow manage getting an extra form for me from NPS Koramangala as she was standing in that line this morning...thus saving me from doing this all over again tomorrow. Huge thanks G. And A and S and all of my other girlfriends who came up and offered me some much needed support without me even having to ask for it today. Such times really make me wonder - what would a girl do without such wonderful girlfriends!

Anyway, after N saw me she couldn't stop telling me to take her home. So I hugged her tight and brought her home. We cuddled on our couch and surprisingly she started telling me between her sobs how she saw Dora and Tiko and Isa and Swiper the Fox at T's house! Gosh and I thought all she did was cry out there :-) Then she asked to see Dora on her 'own' TV which I promptly obeyed. There we sat hugging each other tightly for a while and watching Dora thanking God for simple pleasures. I tried getting up to get some water for the child but she pulled me back saying "No...don't go". I was holding back tears on seeing how shaken up she was. After 5-10 minutes of cuddling, she had a bottle of milk and like a peaceful baby fell asleep cozily in my arms. I love you my little child and I am soooo not ready for you to get lost in a huge school yet.

The irony of this while episode is that I was the mom who used to crib in the US saying how everyone rushes to send their kids to school at such a young age in India...and that I'll never fall prey to that madness. And here I was this morning doing the exact same thing! Yes...I can always justify it was solely for the Montessori and what not...but part of me still knows that in the end it is a big school and she will not get the one on one attention she might get in a small or mid-size preschool. But knowing me, I am positive I will still end up filling the form and dropping it off anyway. If she does end up getting accepted, that will be another debate with self...and I don't want to even think about it right now. Will cross that bridge when I come to it. But tell me folks...isn't this falling prey to the exact system I did not want to get into in the first place? What would you have done? Would you have stuck to a mid-size Montessori and gone through this entire madness for getting admissions in the 1st grade? Or would you tackle it all right now and not have to worry about their admission process again in 2-3 years? I personally was always inclined towards not having children go through unnecessary stress so early in their lives. But still can't fail to wonder how I had almost started falling prey to this madness myself! Views? Opinions?

Wow what a month (and what an year)!

So many milestones and memories in this past month of August 2009. It sure has been one of the most hectic but one of the most memorable of all since we moved back to India a year ago. Let's see where do I start...

* My dear brother chose his life partner and got engaged to a lovely lady on Aug 22 2009. Him being the only sibling I have, ofcourse we were all excited to fly down and join him on this special occassion. But August was also the month full of swine flu scares and tragedies in this country. So plans kept forming and falling apart until the last minute. So the way it ended up, I flew to Pune alone leaving behing hubby dearest with little N for 2 nights. Enjoyed the engagement ceremony but missed them terribly.

* The day after I got back, my in-laws were slotted to fly down from Mumbai to join us for little N's second birthday. This was the first birthday celebration we would have for her in India so was kinda a big reason for a family reunion of sorts. So we celebrated her second bday on Aug 25 at her playschool and then had a party with friends and family on Aug 29.

* A day before N's party, we all (us and inlaws) decided to make a roadtrip to Mysore. Had a good time there, visited the famous Mysore palace, St. Phelomina's church, Chamundi hills, got back at night and prepared for the big event the following day.

* Had a birthday bash for little N at our apartment complex's clubhouse on Aug 29. Incidently, this day was also our 1 year anniversary of moving back to India from the US. One whole year - not even sure how it flew by. N is one year older and speaking volumes now, making new friends and showing us new things she picks up every day. And one whole year of us settling down in India after over a decade in the US. Making new friends, learning new lessons and rediscovering our past every single moment. Truely a year worth cherishing.

* But as they say, all good things come to an end. Our festivities came to a screeching halt when I came down with a bad case of food poisoning (I think my first time ever) on Sept. 1. Little N had a milder version too along with fever and hubby dearest wasn't spared either (thank god his was the mildest of us all). Nyways, had the worst week ever after a nice fun filled month.

All I can say is...thank god for good friends and family around. It feels wonderful to share with them, the good and the bad, the ups and the downs in this roller coaster of life. So much has passed...so much has changed and yet it hardly feels like we just uprooted our whole lives and moved to a new place altogether to start all over again. As they say, its not the place...its the people that make every place worthwhile.

Schools in and around Koramangala, Bangalore

So after all the madness of searching a good Pre-school or Daycare for little N ended a few months ago, its hard to believe that it is already time to worry about where should she go next year onwards. I mean I just got her admitted to a pre-school in June and it is just now that she is actually enjoying it and learning lots from it. And already, it is barely 2 months and I have to worry about where she should go next year!!? The session next year does not even start until June 2010 but the reason we parents need to plan now is that most big schools will release admission forms in September or so (after Dussehra holidays) and you need to grab it asap to apply and be considered on a first come first served basis. Amazing na?

So as we did earlier during our pre-school research, me and my friends aka paranoid moms ;-) started our rounds of visiting schools in and around our area. Here's what we've found so far. I will continue this post in its part 2 as and when I visit more schools in the vicinity.

1). NPS Koramangala: They have both - the Montessori and the Traditional streams of education for junior school. To get admitted into Montessori 1 (first year), the child has to be 3 years of age by June of the academic year for which admission is seeked. If that does not happen, the child cannot get admitted into the Montessori stream at all (unless in cases where they make an exception if he/she has been to a different Montessori before). Now I took this at its face value and came back thinking that since N is an August born child, she is not eligible for NPS montessori at all. But many moms in our community have now informed me that they make exceptions all the time. They themselves have seen cases where there are October/November born kids in Montessori 1. So I have been advised to atleast take the form and apply.

• Pros: If your child gets into Montessori here, he/she can enjoy 3 full years of Montessori education and then go into 1st standard right here. So they get the full benefit of Montessori way of learning and you as parents need not worry about their re-admissions to a mainstream school all over again. The school follows the CBSE curriculum from 1st standard onwards.
• Cons: From all the reviews I have heard about this school, they are very academically oriented. Exams, tests, projects, etc. such a young age is not what I would want for my child - but then every parent has a different perspective. Some believe this prepares them for reality in their lives. One more thing - we asked the front desk lady to show us around the school or let us know a date when they can conduct some kind of an orientation for prospective parents and she very nicely refused to extend any sort of a courtesy on that front. I guess this school just goes by its name - either you apply or you don't. You don't get a chance to see it during or after hours.

2). Little Feat Montessori House of Children: I have already written about this place here but that was when I had not visited them yet. I now went and took a tour of this place and they seem very friendly and understanding as a management. They take admissions atleast twice a year (Dec and June). Your child will most likely get in as long as he/she is under 2.5 years of age when you contact them. And the place, their montessori material, infrastructure is pretty good too. I have a lot of friends whose kids go here and the parents are all happy.

3). Vibgyor High (HSR) : The front desk lady here was very different from the one we met at NPS. She actually took a lot of time to show us 4 moms (with our toddlers) around the school. It is a nicely built place with a lot of facilities for the kids and the best part is - they have after school day care on the premises! So kids can spend the rest of the afternoon there if both the parents go to work. To qualify for admission here, the kid needs to be atleast 2 yrs 9 months by June of the academic year. This is when he/she will get admitted into Nursery. If they are atleast 3 yrs 9 months, they get into LKG and then UKG and so on. So according to my kiddo's birthdate, she being August born, will be 2 yrs 10 months in June 2010 and so will absolutely qualify here (unlike at NPS where she needs to be 3 yrs of age). They follow the ICSE board curriculum.

• Pros: This school claims they do not have a midterm and final exams structure until 4th standard. They do have weekly assessments to judge a child's progress and grade him accordingly. Again, some parents prefer the traditional approach to prepare their child early on. I am not in one of those camps. I would rather my child learn through experiencing things first hand than cramming and taking tests/exams. Another pro, getting admissions into this school seems relatively easier since they are brand new. This is their first functional year.
• Cons: School is quite far from Koramangala - took us 30 minutes to get there. Might be a good option if you live in Sarjapur or HSR Layout. Also, the campus was pretty much all concrete. And for folks like me who have grown up in schools which has ample ground space for sports like cricket, football, high jump, long jump, PT, etc. it did not appeal much to the eyes. Was too much concrete for my taste.

Other schools we plan to visit in the near future are:

• DPS (have heard they have a very good campus)
• Prakriya (have heard very good things about this school - their campus, curriculum, way of teaching and their nursery)
• Headstart Montessori House of Children (have heard that this Montessori also has classes upto 5th currently and they have aquired land for more)
• Bethany High (this school has also recently launched a child care center for infants and toddlers who can attend pre-school here and move on to Bethany High from there)

Do let me know if you think of other schools that I should add to my list here. If not, do keep checking for Part 2 of this post.

EDITED ON Oct. 10, 2009 TO ADD : NPS Indiranagar has started giving out admission forms and their other branches (Koramangala and HSR) might start the coming week.

Her first Konkani sentence

Little N formed her first sentence in Konkani this evening. She woke up after a 3 hour afternoon nap (which is very rare for her) then insisted on sitting on her high chair and eating 'dadim' and started saying 'Makka stone jaai'. Just like that! Out of the blue! I had to ask her to repeat it almost 10 times before I was convinced that is what she was saying. And then the little smarty translated it for me saying 'Makka stone chahiye' as if mamma couldn't understand what she was asking for :-) I have seen it quite a lot of times now....some nerves in her brain click when she sleeps coz almost every time she gets up from her afternoon nap, she says something so new and marvelous - it makes me proud!

P.S. She has already been forming 3 or 4 word sentences in Hindi and English (mixed). Such as "Mamma eat mummum khaana" since the past month or so. But now the fact that she has started translating words amongst 3 languages - Konkani, Hindi and English is music to my ears. Touchwood!

School Progress Report

So it has been a month now since little N started her first school in life. Her first day was Thursday June 4, 2009 and poor baby had just cried her lungs out the entire 30 minutes. Today on Monday, July 6 I can proudly say that my little baby (I should get over the fact that she is no more a baby but a toddler now huh) has not only stopped crying completely but is actually participating in the activities and learning songs and dances and even showing off at home doing those! What a transformation in just 4 weeks! But oh how long and stressful those 4 weeks were! Not a day passed by when I doubted myself on whether I was doing the right thing by sending her to a playschool at this age. And any comment from any stranger about how little she was and already going to school just made me melt all the more. After she cried violently for the first 2 days, her teachers called me in to see if that would calm her down. And that is when I suggested that I sit with her at school for a few days until she starts trusting them and growing comfortable there. They were nice enough to let me do it and I think thankfully that was the magic charm.

For most other kids, cold turkey approach might work but I know mine is more of a gradual type. For settling in at school, she needed reassurance that mommy was not abandoning her and that her teachers will not harm her. Once she saw that they are mommy's friends too and that mommy is not there to abandon her, she grew comfortable and started playing a little and enacting some songs at school. So that's what I did for the next two and a half weeks. I would go with her at around 9:30 and sit with her untill 11:30 or 12noon every day. Finally we started talking about how to taper it off. Luckily we got an opportunity when my buaji from Pune came to stay with us for the week of June 22. That week on Tuesday, June 23 we decided that we will try and leave N alone at school even if it was for just half an hour each day. And we made sure that this first day, daddy will drop her to school and not mommy. Coz little N is different with each parent - she comes to mommy for comfort and nourishment. And with daddy, she is more playful in general. And she is more used to seeing daddy leave her every morning to go to the office and coming back to her in the evening. So we figured we should give it a try and send her to school with daddy. And that is what we did. That first day of her school, I was so jumpy and kept checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if her school called asking me to come at once and get her. But none of that hapenned. Apparently, she cried when hubby dear left her but he has a stronger heart than mine. He calmly told her that daddy is going to office and will come back and get her and walked off and came back home! I could never have done that. I would be pacing stressfully outside her school (like I did the first 2 days). Then one of her teachers (Meera auntie) made sure to convey to me through our other friend whose kid goes there too that N was fine...not crying violently as before...just sobbing a little off and on. I picked her up an hour later (around 10:30am) and ofcourse she cried when she saw me. But they said her crying was much lesser this time than the first 2 days 3 weeks ago. So the next day, I dropped her to school and she cried when I left. But quietened down in a minute. I remember how bad I felt that day and even called my mom asking if I am doing the right thing. My mom was my pillar of strength that day reassuring me that this is for N's own good and that she will make new friends and enjoy much more there. She will learn to be a little more independent instead of clinging on to mommy most of the day. So I need to have a stronger heart and let her try this atleast for a week or two. She was the only one encouraging me not to give up yet - even my dad and hubby were not so sure :-)

Luckily by Friday, her words came true. When I went to pick up N from school on Friday, Meera auntie said these magical words to me "you will be proud to hear that your daughter actually did Ringa Ringa Roses and Mulberry Bush and participated in all the songs and dances today!" I could not believe my ears and eyes! There she was playing with a kitchen set and not with her favorite Meera auntie but with the other kids and teachers at school! And when I asked her - N shall we go home? She actually said "Naa"! No tears, no wailing...instead she wanted me to come play kitchen with her at school! Thank God for this day. I never knew such a day would arrive.

Since that day, she actually walks with me to school (instead of insisting to be carried) and we sing and hop and skip along the way. She still gives me a sad look when I leave her at the gate (which melts my heart with a pinch of guilt even today). But the fact that at home she is so happilly singing songs she learnt at school and generally associates school with happiness makes me get over all that guilt before I know it. I actually feel proud on days when I ask her what you did at school and she says things like "slide" or "bubbles" or "ringa ringa roses" or the most interesting was when she said "puzzles". I was shocked to hear that word coz she never said it before and has only learnt it at school. I can see so many changes in her behavior now with just 1.5 weeks of her going by herself (without mommy). She has become much more social, more independent in playing by herself, eating herself, sings a lot more songs these days (is singing and humming nursery rhymes and other school songs most of the time) and most of all - her fear of others trying to talk or play with her has come down drastically. Before I used to jokingly call her a 'touch-me-not' baby coz she would shrink or cry whenever a new person approached her :-)

So I am writing this to remind myself that although I felt like a horrible mom subjecting my child to a cozy little playschool at 1 year and 9 months - it ain't all that bad afterall! Infact I can now proudly say that my little baby is enjoying and learning so much more every day and I can use that little time for myself to keep me and my family so much more happier. God bless Mohini and Meera auntie and my little one who is growing into such a "samajhdaar" young child.