A Lot of Mixed Emotions

A lot has been going on in our lives lately regarding the child-care arrangement front so haven't even had the time or mindset to jot down all the emotions. Just felt like penning down some thoughts today so that I can read them again when I am confronted with mixed emotions such as this morning.

So our full time live-in maid has disappeared after a long stint of 7 months at our home. She told us one fine Friday evening (on Jan 14 to be precise) that she is going to her 'gaaon' (i.e. village) on Sunday. We actually stopped everything we were doing and even switched off the TV to give her full attention coz obviously we couldn't believe what we just thought we heard. We really thought this was one of her moods when she was a little homesick and wanted to go visit her mom. She often used to say that but more so jokingly and when asked if she was really serious, she used to say 'no no - I will only go after a year or so and will make sure I give you enough notice so that N is not stranded without a 'didi' suddenly'. So when she actually said this that evening, I initially brushed it off until she said it again and that's when I switched off the TV with utter disbelief! But turns out, she had to go since her mom had called for whatever unexplained reason (some death in the family though we suspect the real story was totally different) and that she will be back in 10 days. So calls to the agency were maid, replacement was asked for but obviously none could be provided in one day and so with no time for us to react or think straight, we asked her to leave on Sat night itself since we had plans with friends for Sunday and were not going to be home but more than that, we wanted N to have one full day without her on Sunday so that it sinks in and she does not feel deserted all of a sudden on Monday when mommy and daddy will also not be around. So that was that. N cried and asked her to not go....I cried coz I still could not believe she was gone that fast and most of all I cried coz my heart went out to N...she loved her 'didi' so and had come to a good routine and stability with her sticking around more than any other previous nanny had.

After she left, I made a decision not to see N like that any more. We were not going to get any replacement nanny or didi for her after this and have her go through this heartache again when she left. This was not a permanent arrangement and I did not want N to pine for her 'favorite didi' time and time again. Believe me, she still asks for the didi who worked at our place before this one and still believes she will come back one day. So I decided that was it and we were just going to give day care a whole hearted shot this time. No more maids...no more dependency...no more bitterness or N's heartache when they leave at the drop of a hat...nothing. So come Monday, I spoke to her Montessori where she goes since they have a daycare that they just started this year. We packed her off to the Montessori as usual and I decided to pick her up at 2:30pm instead of the usual 1:00pm. She being a very gradual kind of a child, I did not have the heart to keep her at the daycare until 5pm from day 1. So we gradually stretched her day there a little by little at a time and finally after 2 weeks, we reached a point where she got picked up at 5. She did not eat lunch there for the first 2 days since she said she wanted mommy to feed her...once we tackled that...we took on the napping task. She did not nap there for 2 weeks but has finally been napping there for the last 2 days. Now next is the evening milk...she refuses to drink it there coz she wants mommy to feed it to her. We are doing really tiny baby steps...one thing at a time. I am a very soft hearted mommy that way. I cannot see my child even wince in sorrow...forget about cry. And the sad part is that I know she cries a little every day at 1pm when other mommies pick up their kids she does not get picked up any more. She was used to a routine where she and her best friend A would get dropped to school together every morning by her dad and A's mommy (our friend B) would pick her and A up every afternoon at 1 so they would enjoy coming home together. Now when A got up and left at 1, she had tears in her eyes for the first 2 weeks and I felt terrible inside for making her go through this. But gradually it has improved and there have been days when she has told me proudly that she did not cry at all in school. What I am observing these days is that even though she hates getting ready to go to school now (she cries almost every morning that she does not want to go), when I pick her up, she is a happy child. She tells me all that she did and is very glad when I reward her with a candy or something for being a good girl at school. I know in my heart of heart that this setup is the best for her but when she cries each morning that she does not want to go to school (she never did this earlier when her day ended at 1pm) or when she asks for her 'didi' at times my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces. I am torn between continuing to push her a little every day to get adjusted into this new routine versus picking up the phone and calling her 'didi' back to join us (incidently her didi did call a few days ago and leave a message that she can come back if we wanted her to. But we were not happy with the way it was done...she called our friend B (A's mommy) to check on us and ask her to let us know. That was not very nice of her in my mind).

Now you other soft hearted mush mommies like me....please let me know what you'd do if you were in my shoes? I know there are pros and cons for each setup and I am fully aware of what is best for my child. But what do you do when your child still lives in the belief that her favorite didi is coming back soon and that this is a temporary arrangement? What do you do when she cries in the morning and says she does not want to go to school when earlier she used to enjoy every minute of her ride to school and back with her best friend A? I mean...its not that dreary in practical life...she has another close friend who stays back at daycare with her and she has begun to adjust a little more each day. But you know how we moms are right...always confused and torn!

Please post your comments or thoughts...I'd love to hear advise from experienced mommies.

More cute conversations

N came back from school today and her nanny (our maid) had cooked fish for her after ages. We usually do not cook fish at home since we are not big fans of fish but the maid is Bengali so she craves it once in a while. Today she went and bought it and cooked it for herself and li'l N.

Now when I called home to check how N was doing, I could hear my lil N saying in the background "Mien aapki shikayat karoongi mamma se" (I will complaint about you to mamma). So I wanted to humor her and asked our maid to hand her the phone.

N comes on the phone and says: "Mamma aap didi ko daant lagana kyonki didi ne ghich pich kiya meri plate mien" (Ghich pich kiya in our house is a kiddish way of saying made a mess)

Me: "Ghich pich kiya? Kya ghich pich kiya?"

N: "Poori dal meri plate mien dal di aur katori gira di."

Me: "Oh...ok. Mien daant lagaungi ok?"

N: "Aur aap mujhe fish nahin dete ho. Didi deti hai. Lekin aap daant lagana. Fish mien dandi tha."

Me thoroughly amused by now at the endearing racket these 2 were creating at home. But also being my cautious mommy self now and instructing the maid to make sure she cleans the bones before feeding the child (choking hazard and what not).

Sigh...when did my lil N grow up so much! She went from speaking pure English to a lot of Hindi now and can even translate between the 2 skillfully. She speaks to us in English and if she wants to convey the same thing to her maid or her grandparents, she turns to them and translates for them in Hindi :-) And she never really likes to have proper conversations on the phone except for days like today. Just these small snippets of talks with her on the phone make my working day go by a lot easier at times.

Kids can be soooo understanding

Ever since I posted my last entry on this blog ranting about how difficult it was to get N settled with her new nanny, things have actually taken a turn to be much much better. Touchwood! Touchwood! Touchwood (please do not jinx me or N on this ever!). I have realized that once again my child has taught me to be patient and not expect miracles in a day. Yet at the same time, she has made me realize that they can be very mature, understanding and responsible if that is what life demands out of them. I needed her to co-operate, to stop making mommy feel so bad accepting a full time job (even though it is for mommy's sake right now) and to please let someone else take mommy's place for a few hours every day while I go out and satisfy the other side of me as a person - the side other than loving being a mom...the side that wants to satisfy the itch of having a great career knowing that staying at home and spending great quality time with my little one, although has been a lot of fun, I will never be able to forgive myself if I do not atleast try doing other things I want to do in life as well. So after I realized that maybe N was missing having mommy all to herself and was a little angry at pushing her towards the nanny a little bit now and then, I backed off and gave her all the love and mommy time she wanted for a week. Plus she had her aabu (grandpa) visiting that week too so she loved all the time and attention from him as well. She happily trotted to school every morning with him and even came back home with him. While all these months she has never gone to school with anyone else but mommy. So after the one week of a reset and providing her all the mommy time she needs and having the nanny around at home as well, she probably felt secure enough to venture towards her and start playing happily with her. I could hear squeals of delight when the nanny entertained her in her silly games and used to thank god for those moments of happiness seeing them bonding together.

Then one night a few days before N's grandpa was leaving, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with her. BTW nights are the best times to have a good talk to her...she is actually listening and most times she also tells me a lot about her day at school and other things at night when I am putting her to sleep. So here's bits and pieces of how our conversation went that night:

Me: N, when papa goes to office, do you cry?

N: No.

Me: So when mommy goes to office, will you cry?

N: No. I will not cry when mommy goes to office.

N: And I will not cry when aabu goes to Bombay. (this part surprised me and my hubby as we never expected her to even realize that her grandpa is not here for good and that he is only visiting. This sentence came totallly unprompted as we had not even planned his return travel yet...but she just knew he'd leave some day to go back to his home in Bombay!)

Me: (Hugging and kissing her tightly) Good girl N. I will come back from office and play with you. Will you please come home from school with D auntie (her nanny) and eat mum mum (lunch) with her?

N: Yes.

And volla! Since then, she has actually done as she promised. The day after her grandpa left, I walked her to school and while saying goodbye, told her that mommy will go to office and would she not cry and go home with D auntie and eat mum mum (lunch) and do ta ta (sleep)? She nodded her yes. And with a heavy heart I left home around the time she was supposed to come home and stayed outdoors for 3 hours. When I got back I found her playing with the nanny. She saw me enter, squealed with delight, jumped on me and made me fall, hugged me so tight and said "Mommy you came back from office? I did not cry"!!! Now how can this not make me melt down to the floor!!!??? So I spent the rest of my day all in love with the wonderfully co-operative child. And followed the same 'going to office' routine the rest of the week. The second day I found her sleeping when I got home. The third day I found her actually done with the nap and actually starting to drink her evening milk with the nanny. And each time she greeted me with such joy that it just made my heart melt even more. But I secretly thanked god for one good step ahead each day and realized that my child just needed reassurance that mommy wasn't going away leaving her with the nanny. Thank god for miracles like these. It is just the moments when she hugs me tight and says things like "Thank you for coming back from office" that make me re-think if I am really doing the right thing...

Oh well...I guess I wouldn't know until I actually try it out once. I will give it my best shot and then decide if this really is for me anymore or are my days of having an actual career (not just a job) are over for a long long while now.

N and her new ways (with the new Nanny)

Hellllllllllp! Just when I thought I am beginning to get a good handle on how to raise my child...and just when I started thinking this is a piece of cake...let's have another one - she has decided to test my patience to the limits. I shudder to think of how I lose it at times and wonder if her own mom can get so worked up...what will the nanny do when I am away at work? Ugh!!! Gives me the chills. The child of mine is almost 2yrs 5 months now and has decided to be her most difficult self these days. Dunno if that is just the terrible twos now kicking in or the slight lifestyle change where I am trying to detach her from me and get her used to a nanny. Whatever it is - I seriously need your input.

She refuses to go for a bath on most days, refuses to go pee even when it is past 4 hours and refuses to go for a nap at her usual time. Like today she finally went for her nap at 5pm in the evening! Her normal time used to be 2pm on most days and latest by 3:30pm. She used to wake up around 5 or 5:30, drink her milk and go down to the park in the evenings. These days her entire schedule is out for a toss. Also these days she's going through a viral bug where she is coughing and has a runny nose. Doc advises steaming but she refuses to do even that. Its scary to see my shy and timid child turn into this 'shouting monster' who shouts NO when being told to do steaming, or go for a bath or take her nap even. Ooohhh please please help! What do I do when my patience has reached its limits??? :( I do not believe in spanking...her only punishment is a time-out in the balcony.

BTW I do believe part of it is coz she is getting a lot of attention and love from this new nanny whom she adores as long as they are playing. But the moment the nanny tries her to get to eat or bathe, lil N snaps back at her and either comes to me wailing or just becomes very stubborn. I wonder how the nanny will deal with N if I am away full time at work.

Edited to Add: The next morning was worse with me waking up ill (with a flu) and having to send her to school with the nanny. I think both she and I broke down at this point - she believing that mommy has totally abandoned her and I seeing her heart break so badly. So we both broke down and cried to our heart's content. Surprisingly though, things got much better after that. I resolved to be there for her a little longer and stop pushing her so hard. She too reciprocated the love and is behaving like her well mannered self all over again. Whew! Thank God it is a new day and things have come back to normal in our household. After speaking to a few friends who have been through this ordeal, they have asked me to give her a week and go gradually. She will get used to not having mommy 24 x 7 and let the nanny do things for her eventually. So I will give it a more patient and genuine try now and try not to lose my patience. I think my friend SBJ (read comments) hit the nail on the head - the biggest thing I should always keep in mind when I am impatient with N is...how would I like the nanny to deal with a similar situation when I am away.

In any case, thank god I can see much more clearly now the rain is gone...la la la :-) Sigh...I think it was just a bad Wednesday & Thursday filled with lots of 'Mama Guilt' ! Thanks dear friends for all your words of wisdom. And I love you my lil N...you have taught me so much in such a short time. Please know that I will be there for you ALWAYS as long as I am alive...and if possible even after that.

Moving On to the New Year

Just a random post to pour out all that I have been feeling lately...

• Ever since I got back home to Bangalore after a month long trip from my brother's wedding, things seem quite changed with most of my friends in town. Seems like everyone has moved on to pursue things in life that they always wanted to. Its all for their good ofcourse but it just seems like so much has hapenned in the one month I was away. One of my friends & neighbor bought a new home (which ofcourse means she will be moving away soon), two of my friends got pregnant with a second one (and sadly both of them lost the babies too), one of them got out and got a job (which means she is less available during the day) and another one is looking to pursue some kind of an educational course to get back to work. This gave me lots of inspiration and the push I needed to get out in the job market myself. Just seems like all of us who have been at home during the transitional period to settle down in Bangalore have now decided to move on.
• So I started 2010 with a resolution that this is the year I will take the next big step in my life - either have a second kid or buy a home for ourselves or get back to my career that I gave up almost a year ago (since we moved back from the US). So that is my resolution - to move on to the next step in life and get all the support structure needed around me to support this move.
• Hence I am currently in the market for a full time cook cum nanny for my kiddo. Just like I had in the US. And I tell you it is hard...very hard to find someone you can trust your child and your home to. I am trying out different maids almost every other day. I am also evaluating day-cares as another option but am a little hesitant sending little N to one at this stage. Knowing her, we as parents believe she will be most comfortable at her own home. I really hope and pray I find someone as trustworthy as I had in the US. How I wish I could call that nanny over to India and have her live with us! If you don't know who I am talking about, see here and here.
• My plan is to settle little N down with either a nanny or a day-care and get back to work in the next month or so. Any tips or ideas anyone? How have you stepped out of home with a little one around? I mean I had gone back to work right after she turned 3 months but that was in the US and that too once I found a nanny I could trust. I think it is easier to trust someone there than in India coz of the laws and traceability system there. The quality of maids I am finding here is not comparable to what I had there and the Montessori schools I like do not have on-campus day-cares here. So what did you mommies who moved back to India do? What if I get a job I really like but it requires some travel? And worse - what if they require travel abroad (even if it is once or twice a year)? What do you guys do then?

Here's to the Nanny

As we finalize our plans to move back to India next month, we go through our checklist of things to take care of here. There are so many things to do and soooooo many people to inform such as our landlord, our nanny, our bosses at work, our doctors, dentists, beauticians and obviously alllll our friends. The list just goes on and on. But amongst all of these, the person I was dreading the most to break the news to was our baby's nanny. After us mommy and daddy, our nanny is the next closest person that our baby is attached to. The lady has literally raised my DD since she was almost 2 months of age. Ever since DD turned 3 months, I have gone back to work full time and it was this woman who was nurturing her, feeding her, bathing her, teaching her how to play, how to walk, how to talk, taking her to walks around the block and then later to the park. Not that we were never there for DD but obviously given that we both had full time jobs as well, she was with the nanny for a major portion of each day. So in the past year or so, its like our family has not grown by 1 but 2 new members - our DD and our DN (Dear Nanny) whom we call Auntie out of love and respect.

There was another "Auntie" we had hired before her but she was such a huge contrast to this loving lady that she had us in bitter tears in less than 3 weeks after which we literally paid her to not show up at our place ever after. Anyways, our short lived experience with her is another story altogether and maybe some day a different post on the blog. But today, I just wanted to dedicate this entry to our dear Auntie who is as much of a mother to our baby as I am.

You know, I had recently read this book called The Perfect Stranger. It opened my eyes to how much we take for granted about these "strangers" who leave their own homes and loved ones every day to take care of ours and how they rejoice as much in each milestone of the baby as we do. And yet how soooo many times we take these wonderful people so much for granted and shrug it off saying its just their job. I am not saying that it isn't but there is also an emotional aspect involved here - the joy in watching their labor of love (the kid) growing up that most of us do not have in our typical jobs.

In any case, I digress. Let's get back to my story. So the other day we did gather up the courage to inform Auntie that we are leaving to go back to India in a month. At first she thought we are just going for a month to visit so she goes "ok". Then I had to clarify saying we are going back for good. That was when it struck her and she just broke down into tears! Not because she was going to have to find another job, not because she would miss us but because she was going to miss the little baby she raised so carefully and lovingly. She instantly hugged DD and said to me oh why are you all going...why don't u just let DH go...I will come and stay with you at nights...and so on. I couldn't help crying myself and my DH also felt so terrible for doing this to her. We obviously told her that we'll help her find a much better job and that it is all for the good. But in our hearts, at that moment, we did feel really bad.

So here's to the Dear Nanny (our Auntie) who has a heart of gold. Here's hoping she finds a family who is far more loving than us and they enjoy her services much longer than we could.

Anyways, I had started out this post with the intention of posting a few recipes that Auntie used to cook up for DD since she was 8-9 months old and was eating solids well. So here I go:

1). Churi with gud - this is a very yummy punjabi dish that my mom used to make when I was a kid. I just didn't know that it can be modified to make it suitable for babies too. Auntie basically makes a fresh chappati and minces it very well while it is hot. At the same time she adds ghee and ground gud (jaggery) or sugar to this minced mixture and either leaves it in that powdery form or gathers it like a soft laddu. This one is my personal favorite...I think I enjoyed eating the leftovers more than my DD did :-) And I thought this was the tastiest way to use up left over chappatis - so I'd make it for dinner sometimes for me and DH. (Obviously for DD it was always fresh chappatis and not leftovers).
2). Churi with sabzi - this is prepared in the same manner as above but the gud/sugar is replaced by any boiled sabzi (obviously without any masalas) that is prepared at home. This way the baby gets to eat roti sabzi at a very young age. The trick with both churis for babies is to mince it really really well which can only be done while the chappati is hot. So obviously, I could never get it to be like Auntie's.
3). Dal with Daliya - Take some ghee in a cooker, add some daliya (broken wheat) to it and seko it for a bit. Then add washed moong dal, water and some salt. Pressure cook for 2-3 whistles. The nutritious dal with daliya is ready.
4). Anda Kela (Eggs with Banana) - Mash a boiled egg with banana together so that it binds well. Auntie said this was easier and less messier to feed than feeding just the egg alone.
5). Dahi Kela (Yogurt with banana) - Mash a banana into a few spoonfuls of whole fat organic yogurt.